Lost between Happy and Guilt!

With grief comes guilt, survivors guilt. Before losing my son I wasn’t sure what that meant.. it means every time I smile I feel guilt, every time I feel a bit of happiness I have emmense guilt.. to have family moments without Kenny, we have guilt. It’s just not fair that he is not here with us like he should be, like we wish with all our might that he was here with us to share new moments with… Instead we have to learn to be a family minus 1. And it sucks!

Nothing in this world will ever make our family whole again, nothing. We are forever a family just doing our best to live day by day without a piece of us. Our hearts and minds may never heal. Our hearts are broken and our minds are tortured by memories of the night we lost our 6th piece of our family, Kenny! The loss of your child, your brother, in this manner is beyond comprehension. There are no answers, only questions and unsolved stories. We are forever left with ????????? Why were people so mean to him, why? Why? Why? With noone to step forward to explain it to us. It hardens the heart, anger is always near and can take hold very easily. It’s a constant fight to let time and patience deliver the Justice Kenny so deeply deserves.

See our Kenny was always a survivor, always happy, always willing to go the extra mile for someone else…. But he was too strong for everyone else and not for himself. As his Mother I would gladly, in a heartbeat take his place, my best friend, my miracle baby, just so he could do all the wonderful things in this world that I know he would have.. but I can’t. I wasn’t given a chance. His pain was to much to bare and my precious baby wouldn’t let me help him carry that pain.

For those mean spirited people who say ” he took the easy way out” cause me so much pain and anger. My son was in turmoil till the very end and easy it was not. He had to choose between living a life of torture verses being with family and for once in his young life he chose himself. To be at peace. And I am bawling while I type these words because God help me I wish I could of stopped it and saved my son. That’s all I wish.

Stage #3 Holding life’s hand with the left, holding griefs with my right… somewhere in the middle I exist.

Praying and praying so hard, wanting so badly to receive a sign that Kenny was ok. My faith allowed me comfort knowing he was with loved ones and in the presence of everything heavenly but I was so jealous. While I wished, prayed and hoped for that one sure sign, I got frustrated and felt as if it would never arrive.

After several months I was walking alone in the backyard and walked the path of concrete stepping blocks back to the patio, a path we all have walked hundreds of times, I suddenly felt something under my foot… I looked down, it was quite dirty but I found a tiny dinosaur in almost perfect condition. I rushed in to the sink and cleaned it and just amazed sat at the table starring at it. That was the first time I felt a glimmer of happiness since Kenny left us.

See Kenny as a child loved these little dinosaurs and animals so much that he had so many and had so much knowledge of each and every one of them. Of course as he got older that went away and so did these tiny dinosaurs and animals. Finding them now all over the yard at special times in

our lives has been a blessing. For instance a really sad day for me, more unbearable than usual, my little cousin found one and brought it into me.. it made my day. On my Husband and I anniversary earlier this month our youngest son found one, and of course made our day. For over a week we’ve been blessed with this beautiful male cardinal that sits outside our window, just looks in and allows us to just cherish his songs. They are special gifts that we cherish.

I have learned when we need it the most our loved ones will send us signs that their love is still all around us and want us to feel peace, if only for a bit! Gentle reminders that brings me a smile, and remembering my son is what I hold on to everyday and nothing or no one can take that from me!

Stage #2 Holding life’s hand with the left, holding griefs hand with my right….. somewhere in the middle I exist.

Remembering is hard.. so very hard. Some days I can’t.. can’t.. can’t..! Other days I have to to keep myself in real time and process. Those days I have are 50/50, it hurts like hell but I never want to forget our Kenny! It simply comes down to my strength that day. Every day is a struggle. I wake up not knowing what the day will bring me… Will I want to stay in bed all day, will I have the need to go visit my sons grave or will I just stay in denial all day???? I never know. And that is not easy trying to get by and seeming normal on the outside for my living children.

The night Kenny left us is always stuck in my mind… It will not give me rest. It’s a living nightmare, a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on anyone. No parent should have to go through what we did, no siblings, grandparents, aunt’s, uncle’s, cousins, friends or first responders, noone. But we all did and we all have to live through that night in different ways and on our own, everyone processes grief different. Some things are blurry for me, other things are clear as hearing a bell.. I wish with all my might and all my prayers, to forget, I don’t want that memory, I want to remember Kenny the way he was just hours before, smiling and telling me goodnight. Unfortunately the brain doesn’t work that way. Torture goes hand and hand with grief.

I wonder some days if I will ever understand why? I know what our Kenny went through.. but at the time he stopped coming to me, why? I have guilt because I have come to learn that everytime I made it known to people what was happening to him.. it got worse for him. He went into survival mode. Only he had double what most would consider torture due to bullying because he had it at his school and work. Heartbreaking as a Mom I couldn’t make it stop and that he just decided the only way to make it stop was ending it himself. Knowing I, his Dad, any family members would of done anything for him.. he saw no hope and kept it from us.

Continued from stage 2# Remembering!

Today I went to visit my sons grave, pull weeds and to just sit in peace with him. It’s still very hard for me, as you can imagine.. I don’t expect it to ever get easier to sit on a stone bench looking down at where my sons body lies.

The pain and anger hit me all at once today, usually, it’s one or the other, but not today. I want to hold my child and as insane as is may sound I feel like even while advocating my heart out about bullying awareness and prevention, I can’t protect my son anymore. I can’t hug him or offer him wise words. when it rains, it’s cold or a storm blows through.. I can’t keep him dry, warm or safe. I hate this! I hate this so much! I want my son back.

Days like today rock my faith. I can’t understand why God didn’t help him through his troubles, where was his gaurdian angel that night, why? Why? Why? Why? And I get angry. Angry at everyone who had a hand in my son feeling like life in this world wasn’t meant for him.

I then sat down on the ground where the grass no longer exist due to lack of rain, and bawled.. tears just flowed and wouldn’t stop.. with my head down in defeat, I couldn’t stop. I finally looked up and read the prayer on Kenny’s beautiful headstone and suddenly felt peace, for God was with him and with a hand on his shoulder guided him home. To peace and love! No more sadness, no more pain, no more feeling like he wasn’t good enough for people to be kind to him.. bliss is now what our son has, and my faith once again restored. With that being said doesn’t mean all my anger went away, my pain still exist but I know my baby is at peace.

Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28


To be continued: Stage 3

Holding life’s hand with the left, holding griefs hand with my right… somewhere in the middle I exist.

Stage 1#

I have learned in the past 18 months that time means nothing, it does not heal all wounds and it certainly does not make my time on Earth without my child any easier. Every day that passes and I am deprived a gentle loving hug from my son is torture. Each day that passes that I don’t get to hear his contagious laughter is heartbreaking. Every day.. Every day, it is the same excruciating pain of missing him so much.

Grief I have learned is and will always be a part of me now. I have read books and listened to others tell me how grief works, the steps that one will go through to get to the other side of grief… I don’t see how it’s possible to ever get through all the pain of losing a child. So those books did not help me, at all. What did help me, somewhat, was when a friend who had lost a child many years ago told me ” Always know where you are in your grief, don’t get lost, so you can find your way out” at first it made no sense but after some time I came to understand what she meant. Realizing you are in denial, or anger…. Everyday can be different, as long as I knew and could embrace which stage I was in, I knew I could get through it.

For instance, the first 3 months after losing my Son I laid in my bed starving, in the dark, no outside contact, and basically could have withered away very easily. Even though I love my husband and 3 other children so very much, I couldn’t bare the feeling of guilt for living when my son was no longer. How could I laugh when my son couldn’t? How could I enjoy a pretty day when my son couldn’t? How could I enjoy my favorite foods when my son couldn’t? All of these questions kept me from living for quite some time.

You may be thinking – How selfish? What about her other children? Her husband? Those were the hardest questions for my brain to want to comprehend because I felt entitled to be miserable. I buried my child.. but it was true, grief will make you selfish. It took finally coming out of my dark, covered windows room and see the pain in my children and husbands eyes to realize how I was making them feel. They not only lost a son and a brother they felt like they lost a wife and Mother as well. My walk between life and grief began at that moment!

How did I lose my precious son? My Sweet Kenny left this world to be at peace from the constant bullying he endured at his school and workplace. My son took his life December 21st, 2016.

To be continued: Stage 2#