The question “why, why why?” Is always, always on my mind. Why didn’t Kenny come to me like he had always done before, why did he hide his pain from all who loved him deeply, why? Kenny was my child who even as a young child said ” he would never leave me” but he did and my heart and mind want to know what took him from me, and I’ve needed answers so badly. I know the facts, the horrible treatment Kenny endured, the constant cruelness, bullying… I also know that there is not one thing that we wouldn’t have done to help our son. I wish with all my heart and soul that he could of shared his pain with me, I would of gladly carried that for him. I would of fought harder, I would of done anything.
I struggle with horrible anxiety/panic attacks and depression since we lost Kenny and I struggle daily. Grief is heavy, relentless and so lonely. In some ways I am doing better, in others I still fail miserably. Energy is something I struggle with.. I use sleep as my escape from the reality of not having my son. In sleep you can dream, I can hope to dream of Kenny and see my son. I’m sure it won’t make sense to most but it’s my way. Today 2/4/19 I took a nap like I usually do when I am alone. But instead of waking up just as lost as I was before I slept I woke up with my face and pillow soaked in tears. The instant I opened my eyes I knew in my heart and mind that my Kenny was trying to answer my nagging Why’s that eat at my soul.
In my dream, which felt like I lived in forever, I was me, the adult me and I was being criticized, laughed at, misunderstood, called names, yelled at and I didn’t know why….. Some people I knew some I didn’t, I was going through scenario after painful scenario trying to ask all these people why? What did I do? Please stop? I finally, overwhelmed sit down up against a wall and with my head in my hands all I could do was cry. It was suddenly quiet, I looked up and I was alone, every one had vanished, my tears dried up and I found my way out of the unknown to me building I was in. When I walked outside it was bright and beautiful and all I saw were smiles, happy people of all ages, I had a feeling of peace. Like somehow these people made the cruel people go away. As the crowd of people started to part all the while looking back as if to make a path for someone, I could see the outline of my son but it was so so very bright, I was struggling to keep my eyes on him ( like starring at the sun) but as he got closer and closer and my heart was about to implode from pure joy I WOKE UP!
I sat in a daze for quite some time trying to remember every detail of my dream when I finally realized the learning experience that I needed so badly was to feel all those terrifying feelings that Kenny had had for me to understand that my son did not leave me, his Momma, what he left behind was the pain that wouldn’t stop because of the cruelty that exists in this world. The bullying that would never stop, the judgement that those people placed on him due to his disabilities, the not understanding what he did to deserve it, all of that was gone once he found his way to the light. Our sweet Kenny found peace and joy his own way. For a split second I got to feel what that felt like and I now have some peace within myself for my son is not a lone.
Dreams are just that dreams, meant to tell us something, or about our fears, they manifest what we need to see when we need it.. my opinion anyways; I believe in my heart I was ready to understand my son in those last moments of his life.
A beautiful soul who reached the end of his job here on earth, to show those of us who love him deeply and unconditionally, what pure kindness should be (even when very little was bestowed upon him) and to make kindness spread.
We love and miss you KennyBug so very much every single day.. your story will never end, you will always be in the hearts of many and we will spread your kindness, always!
Love always, Angie, Kennys Momma!
Angie, I cannot imagine the pain you feel! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us… I hope it helps you to share. 🙂
It’s definitely not easy to put my thoughts and feelings into words but it does help and hope it helps someone else as well!