Our Sweet Kenny!

Happy Heavenly Birthday KennyBug!

January fourteenth! Today twenty-two years ago our miracle baby came into this world. Straight from the arms of God to ours. We felt so blessed to call him ours. Kenneth Louis was and always will be our proof that miracles do happen. 

I woke up with that instant feeling of sadness in the pit of my stomach, eyes that started to rain tears before I could fully wake up and my heart hurt with extra pain with each thump. “My baby’s birthday” was my instant thought as I lifted my head from my pillow. A surge of emotions filled my body. Thoughts and memories made my head spin. My mind was wanting to remember every seventeen years of birthdays we had with Kenny, to replay the day he was born over and over again all while screaming inside from the reality that this is the fourth year I have not been able to hug my son on his special day. How can this be? 

It’s hard to explain how you can have so many emotions going on at once but yet feel like you’ve zoned out, empty, a living shell for all the pain to grow. At this moment I feel like screaming out so loud to God – GIVE ME MY SON BACK- if only for today! Please…. 

I’m angry.. he should be here! He deserves this day to be showered with gifts, a cake, hugs and blessings from those who love him so very much! He deserves so much. 

As I sit with my sorrow, in the silence, alone.. all I hear is the beautiful sounds of my wind chime that this blustery day is playing for me. How fitting that the sounds to comfort me come from something so simple. When I go to sit with Kenny graveside his wind chime always plays for me there as well, even on days with little to no wind. I choose to believe that it’s my baby saying “ I’m here Momma.. I’m here”! 

Although we are denied the joy of being with our son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend today, I imagine Kenny surrounded by loved ones and they are giving him a perfect heavenly birthday party! While a part of me feels comforted with that thought, the reality is I’m jealous beyond words. I will have my own pity party today because the angels get to be with my son and I don’t. It’s utterly unfair. It feels as if I am missing out on the most wonderful party.. also knowing one day I will receive my invite. Reunited with our son!! 

Until then I’ll be sending all my love to Kenny on his birthday through prayers and remembering all I can today. I’ll cry and smile and cry again while looking at pictures. I’ll miss him so terribly today like every day before and all those to come. 

Remember our Kennybug today and spread kindness today for his birthday gift! 

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY OUR SWEET KENNYBUG!! WE LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!

Brick Wall.

I wrote this one day not long ago when I was trying to describe to someone how life is day to day grieving our son and I couldn’t find the words. This is as close as I can get to explaining my days.

Like walking into a brick wall while I walk from the kitchen to my bedroom when suddenly a flash of an image of Kenny pops in my head, my son is laying on the snowy ground. Lifeless. Instantly I hear myself scream in my head. So very loud. Over and over. I cover my ears, close my eyes and shake my head in desperation to pray this moment in time away from my mind. God help me! My baby is gone! Any bit of stable my mind had felt before that split second disappears and the panic takes over. It stops you in your tracks. Grabs control and once again you sit in a daze. The worst day of your life smacks you in the face. You sink internally into a pit of sadness and there you’ll stay. For awhile. Maybe a day. Maybe a week. It will feel like the moment you knew your child was gone all over again. And again. And again. Life being stuck on replay. The war that takes place in the mind, the battle to control the flashes of memories is exhausting. What I wouldn’t do to only remember the good.

Then with faith, prayer and with the strength that you pull from anywhere you can, happiness will slowly begin to enter your heart again. Happy memories will play in your mind. The love you have for your family will pull you out of that despair. You can sit once again and think of your child and smile just picturing their smile, even if your thoughts are accompanied with tears at least your feeling anything but pure sadness.

The battle you just fought within your mind won’t be seen. The exhaustion your left with won’t be understood. But there it’ll be waiting for you. Rest your mind. You will feel a bit renewed, fix yourself up, make a big dinner for your family, get out more. The good days! Then Bam! Brick wall again.

KennyBugs Momma, Angela!

The 21st! Four years of heartache..

It’s now the 21st of December and the fourth year that my son has been in heaven. Today is Kenny’s Angelversary. God help me.. how have I survived another year with this pain? One thousand, four hundred and sixty one days since I’ve seen my son. Pure agony.

I’ve been asked many times how I get through the days. Holidays. Special occasions. There is no real answer. Each year has been different. In many ways harder, in some minor ways we have learned to find some joy. Today is not one of those days. The dread starts to build as the days get closer to this date, usually starts with the first sign of fall. I then know the 21st of December is approaching. This the hour that our sons heart stopped beating is torture.. I’m panicked, grief stricken, in a daze all at the same time. Each emotion overpowering as I wish so hard with all my might to turn back time. To have that window of time to stop our son from leaving this world. What I wouldn’t do for that wish. Our family whole again. Getting through this day is hard enough then we have to get through Christmas! Our family’s favorite holiday has turned into the saddest time of the year. Through prayer and faith we remain. Together our family does the best we can.

Our precious Kenny! Forever 17!

Your not alone if your struggling through the Christmas season missing your child. The sadness is so heavy. I pray we all are able to feel even the smallest spark of the Christmas spirit, I wish that for us all!

With love, hugs and understanding!

KennyBugs Momma, Angela!

Thank you!!

I am in such -Aww- at the reactions, responses and praise Kenny’s book has received! It makes me very proud and so happy that so many have been touched by Kenny and his story! Readers now feel like they know my son, consider him a friend and love and care for him as if they knew him.. and I love that! Change is happening all over the world because of of my son! I hope he feels how deeply proud of him I am, how much I’ve tried to help those in need in his honor!

Our KennyBug!!

Be thankful for the small things in life that bring you some happiness!

With Love, hugs and understanding!

Angela, KennyBugs Momma!

Halloween’s past..

Today being Halloween and no trick or treating and dressing up.. our younger boys are too old now. I spent a lot of time looking through pictures today and remembering all the past Halloween’s with our kids! All the different costumes, funny faces, years of the repeated “hunter” costume! It was a great stroll down memory lane! I miss those days so much! Toting our boys across our small friendly town .. up and down the hills, keeping up with the running ones, and the sugar craze that followed, great times! It goes by so fast..

Memories are our treasures!! Hold on as long as you can!

Our Kennybug!! I love his – Say cheese- smile at this age!!

I miss our Kenny so badly every single day but as to be expected holidays are so much harder.

With love, hugs and understanding!

KennyBugs Momma, Angela!

Coming soon!! 3 days!!!

Today I did an interview with a wonderful young reporter from a local TV station in Mid Missouri, it went well! I have done several interviews over the past few years.. no matter how many times you sit in front of the camera and speak about someone you love and miss so painfully it’s difficult. Today, however, I felt a bit more at ease. Instead of discussing only what happened to our son, the legal proceedings, the interview focused on who our son was. My main purpose for writing my son’s story was so that people would know he was a normal, happy, loving, and kind kiddo! I wanted the world to see him and not just the words about his death! Of course in telling Kenny’s story I touch on all subjects.. bullying, I dive into my grief in hopes to helping someone, anyone who is where I am, missing their child or loved one. I offer helpful tips for those affected by bullying and more than anything I hope my sons story finds its way to the hands of those who need to know they are not alone.

My authors copy! I’m so thrilled to have completed this task for my son!

Where The trail Ends, The Kenny Suttner Story will be available through Amazon on October 30th. I hope you enjoy the book!

Helping others is very therapeutic. The smallest acts of kindness will be rewarded with a smile and words of kindness to warm an aching heart!

With Love, hugs, and understanding!

KennyBugs Momma, Angela Suttner!

Every day..

My daily tears, the nightmarish grief that fills me is my life. I miss my son. More and more with each day that passes. The life he should have had, I dream about.

Please be kind!

Always, with love hugs and understanding!

KennyBugs Momma, Angela!

Photos!

When all you have are photographs and videos to see your child besides the engraved imagine that resides in your mind, you cherish each and every one. With a single picture you instantly embark on a trip down memory lane, and you love each trip. I take many trips! It’s when you snap back to today that hurts.

Kenny and his little brothers pumpkin carving! It was such a great fall day!

The pain of the Bereaved Parent.

I do not compare my pain to anyone’s else’s, that’s not fair to anyone.. all I know is mine. I can relate and understand your pain but I can’t feel it and vice versa, therefore we remain connected by knowing we bear the immeasurable pain together. The pain of missing our beloved child. The brokenness of our hearts, the fake smiles we force, the days where sobbing is all we can accomplish…. we remain and do our best to keep moving forward in this life, even when those steps we take backwards make us feel like all we do is struggle.. like walking against a strong wind. Slow and steady is all we can do.

Deep breaths and allow the memories to carry you on to the next day!

With Love, Hugs and Understanding!!

KennyBugs Momma, Angela!