Kenny’s Six Year Angelversary!

While I’m sitting here waiting for the sun to come up, my mind is in a shambles. I can not fathom how I have survived six years without our son.

I can recall many times over the years telling my boys ~ Please be careful~ “ I would die if something happened to one of you,” because that’s what every parent believes.. that your heart will just stop and you would no longer exist. Well.. here I am! Still fighting through each day. Still entrenched in the most horrible of pains and heartache known to humans and even though most days I feel like I am just a by-product of my grief, I do try to make my mark on this world by telling my sons story to help save families from enduring this pain. All in honor of Kenny. It also helps me to connect with other grieving parents.. it’s a “ club “ no one want to be in, but it’s helpful to know others understand your pain. God help us.. as Angel parents we endure the most unnatural loss, pain, and learn to live in survival mode. It’s so inexplicably hard.

Today, I’ll struggle like all the 2,190 days before. I will cry for the miracle baby, beautiful boy and the wonderful teenager our son was and I’ll replay the years, remembering all I can.. pushing away all the traumatic memories that surround Kenny’s death on this day six years ago. I will fight to remember his smile, his laughter, his hugs.. his wonderful, irreplaceable hugs and I’ll beg to feel the warmth of knowing he is still with me, in his Angel way. I pray for strength and the ability to get through this day with some grace.

Kenny was so kind and so good. So loved and loving. Loyal and protective. Innocent and pure. He was the best of all of us and we will never ever get over his absence, we feel it daily.

Remember our son today!

Kenneth “ Kenny” Louis Suttner

Kennybug! Forever 17!

Please be kind! Stop bullying! Treat others with the dignity that everyone of us deserves. And remember it’s ok to not be ok!

You are loved and you are needed! Please Stay!

For those who are struggling missing their children during the holiday season, your not alone!

Sending care, prayers, hugs and understanding!

Sincerely, Angela, KennyBugs momma! 🦋

September: Suicide Awareness and Prevention!

This month and October ( Bullying Awareness Month) are difficult but very important months for us and so many.. it’s a time where people tend to pay a bit more attention to what we have to say. The way society looks at mental health is very sad. It’s a very dismissive topic because of the stigma that has surrounded the very serious issue. When people are worried about being shamed, judged, or ignored if they speak up.. then they simply won’t speak out! We must treat those who suffer from depression, anxiety’s, mental illness, etc. with the dignity and respect they deserve. People need to know they are not alone. So many people suffer in silence!

Myself as an example. I will admit I have learned it’s not easy to reach out or want to talk about depression. With my grief, I experience depression and the depths have ranged over the last almost six years since our son passed away due to suicide. It’s very difficult but I do talk to a select few about what I am feeling, going through at the time and that helps me know I’m not alone.. Whether it’s because it’s a parent who knows exactly how I feel, or my great friend, or a family member, It helps to know there’s always someone you can be honest with when they ask you how you are.. and it’s ok to not be ok! I share my journey with others through writing just in case there is someone out there who is going through something similar and I can help them feel less alone.. you are not! 🥰

Please never let the fear of being a burden if you talk about what your going through keep you silent.. that fear is lieing to you! Your loved ones and friends want you here and will do whatever they have to in order to help you. That I promise. There is nothing in this world that my husband and I wouldn’t have done to still have our son. Our family would have rallied around him with so much love and support if given the chance. Our family is forever devastated. We struggle daily. We love and miss Kenny so much, the heartache is overwhelming! It hurts so much every time I hear of another parent losing their child to suicide.. I wish with all my heart for no other parents to feel this pain.

We all can help and make a change by spreading as much awareness and prevention as possible. Let people know they are not alone. Speak up so they can speak out!! 🦋🦋

You should be here!
Kenny’s drawing and a picture of him at the ocean!

Please Be Kind! It’s Easy!! Where the Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story https://a.co/d/cbAR3Yo

Love, hugs and understanding!

Angela Suttner, KennyBugs Momma!! 🦋❤️

Safe and Happy School Year For All!!

Our youngest son is off to his first day as a Junior in High School! Bitter~Sweet watching him grow up! He is so tall, handsome, protective, generous, extremely kind and polite.. I watch him sometimes and just sit back and think “ Kenny, your little brother is so much like you!” And it makes me smile so big!

The baby of our family!

It’s a beautiful sunny morning, as I watched our youngest drive off to school I looked up and prayed, “ Dear God, Keep all our children safe and happy this school year. Amen”!

Sending hugs, care and understanding to all parents this morning who are a bit emotional, no matter the age of your child.. first days are always a emotional!

Sincerely, Angela Suttner, KennyBugs Momma! 🥰🦋

Like A Hammer!

Sometimes in our daily lives all it takes is something very simple, insignificant to anyone else, to send me into a panic filled, heart throbbing, manic kind of meltdown. It generally passes rather quickly but it hits like a hammer.

All it took today was for a knock at the door. It was a very kind older gentleman out collecting census information. When I answered the door he asked “ Hello Ma’am, Is Kenny home?” And my mind instantly went to my son Kenny, of course!!! For a few seconds I stood frozen until my mind had a – ding ding- moment and I realized he was looking for my husbands Uncle who our Kenny was named after, who lives up the road from us. But for those few seconds, I was speechless. I quickly gathered myself and I kindly directed him to the correct address. I then went inside and immediately broke down.. to hear your child’s name come out of the mouth of a stranger does something to your heart… even though he was not referring to our Kenny, my mind started to think “ this is what it would be like if Kenny was still here and someone came to the door for him” and my mind couldn’t take it. He should be here.. this shouldn’t have hit me so hard, but it did!

It’s impossible for anyone to comprehend what life is like for parents who have lost a child.. little moments like these are small but huge for us. 😞

KennyBug! ❤️

With Love, Hugs and Understanding, Angela, KennyBugs momma 🥰🦋

My thoughts.. 💬

A couple things I needed to pop in and get off my mind. I’ve read and heard so much about “ fist” and “ thick skin” being the answers to bullying. For one.. it shocks me that people would rather kids brawling than learning and being taught to “ just be kind”! And two… those fist may make your child feel better in the moment but I promise you it won’t fix the embarrassment and long lasting emotional distress that the constant name calling and belittling has caused. The sad truth is bullying affects young minds just the same, if not worse, as verbal abuse from a spouse for an adult, but yet it’s treated and looked at so different. It’s expected of children to just shrug it off as “ kids will be kids” but the parents who have children come home from school crying, miserable and develop depression, self confidence issues and more, we are the ones who have to stand alone in most cases to beg someone to make it stop. Why is it so hard to spot a bully, take that child aside and 1. Discuss what is causing the bullying behavior. 2. Explain what the bullying does to the target. 3. Discuss school policy against bullying and harassment. 4. Lastly, discuss the consequences of bullying. Instead so many instances get overlooked for reasons that are not ethical. Apparently too many bully reports in a school looks bad in reports… 🤷‍♀️

A students safety, which includes mental health, is the first and most important responsibility of the school while our children are in their care. Please make sure the school your child attends has a stern bullying and harassment policy.. have you checked your school? Since Kenny’s passing our school has made tremendous strides to improve their efforts to stop bullying in its tracks and that brings me some solace.

With the new school year quickly approaching it’s been weighing heavy on my mind. Please have the “ bullying “ talk frequently with your child. Make it a very open conversation.

StopBullying.gov

Thank you to all for your continued support and care!

Sending love, hugs and understanding, Angela, KennyBugs Momma! 🥰

Happy Days!

I’ve had some good days lately.. days where I want to be outside, watching my hummingbirds, listening to the birds.. just taking in all the beautiful nature around me. When I get these days I try to take it in as much as I can. That may sound silly, but for me, it’s a necessity. I enjoy time to myself more than anything, that may seem odd, but I do. Why? When I’m by myself, outside just listening.. my mind can wonder and go back in time. I can picture all my boys young, playing, laughing, running around having so much fun and they are all there together. I can sit and look at photos, smile, laugh and cry all at once and not have to explain or hide my tears. These are times that I need.

So here’s some beauty from my good days!!

Beautiful sunset from my happy place!
Major! He’s such a good boy!

With all the sadness and heartache I live with daily missing Kenny.. I do have “ good” days! That doesn’t mean I don’t cry and feel his loss, it just means I can enjoy the simple joys in life without feeling guilt. For many that won’t make sense but it’s just a feeling I have. How can I be happy? How can I enjoy a pretty day? When my son can’t?! It’s very hard to navigate through all the emotions felt each day, but I do my best! And that has to be enough!

Ok one more beautiful picture!

The road to peace!

It’s ok to feel some twinge of happiness..

With Love, hugs and understanding.. Angela, KennyBugs Momma! 🦋🥰🦋🥰

Always and Forever!

Like a lot of you, I wake up and check my socials. I check my Facebook memories, I like to sit and remember each past post.. the day, what we were doing, etc. I try to hang onto every memory. Some days are easier than others.

This mornings past post from 3 years ago.

A Mother’s Anguish!
Our KennyBug!

It’s so hard. Hard to explain just what it’s like to wake up every single morning with the instant thought of “ my child is gone” and to try to be “ ok”! Even in the book that we published in Kenny’s honor, Where The Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story, I feel like I still wasn’t able to portray the full, reality of life after child loss. Because it is that hard to put into words. I do my best to be raw and open so that the parents like me know they are not alone. I hope in small way I can help.

If today is a hard day.. it’s ok. Take some time to just feel all your emotions and remember the good times! That’s what I’ll be doing today 🦋

For me I’ll be focusing on Kenny in the picture above. Kenny didn’t like having his picture taken very much but this particular evening he asked me to take this picture. He had just gotten his haircut and he liked it, so did I!! He felt good about himself in that moment and that memory alone will sustain me today.

Sending Love, Hugs and Understanding, Angela, KennyBugs Momma!

Where the Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story https://a.co/d/17aaavd

Country Life!

A few things that I love about living in the country!! It’s been 24 years now.

I love sitting on the porch by myself, all I can hear are all the different birds singing at each other, I love watching the hummingbirds, some frogs cloaking from all directions, the creek just below the house is slowly moving, and a slight breeze to keep the sweat at bay. It’s so calming! And the best Exhale..

She enjoys the quiet with me!

I also love just roaming across the farm and seeing all the signs of beauty everywhere! I am always stopping to take pictures. After 24 years my husband is used to me saying “stop” or “pull over” so I can get that picture! I do not claim to be a pro at all, I just enjoy it 🥰

It’s the simple things that I enjoy the most! Today has been a good day so far and I hope it has been for you as well! 🦋

With Love, Hugs and Understanding, Angela KennysBugs Momma! ❤️

Pure Beauty!

❤️❤️

It’s such a beautiful morning, I hope you all are having a fair weather morning! It’s going to get really hot later today, like 97.. so I’m taking advantage of the cool temperatures and watered all my plants already, not even 7am! Everything is getting so close to blooming, I can’t wait! 🌺🌺

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and wish everyone a great day! 🥰🥰

Angela, KennyBugs Momma! 🦋

Set Backs Are Ok!

Lately, I have had a bit more energy, motivation, a push to do more. Whether it’s around the house or in my flowers, etc. I guess a way to say it is -my give a damn has returned- and while I’m pleased to feel like I want to participate in every day life things again, I’m very aware that I feel definitely out of practice. Holding a conversation, in person, face to face, for an example is not easy for me. There is so much that changes a parent after child loss and so much that is not understood by those around you and very understandably so they can’t fathom what you mean by admitting that you have difficulties with normal every day things. Some parents, like me, struggle daily.

For instance, since losing Kenny, I have extreme panic and anxiety attacks that take hold of you and lies to your mind and creates irrational fears. Ones that keep you worried, scared, up all hours of the night, always with the “ what if’s” and you can’t explain why?! There’s also the loss of trust in people because deep down you feel like your being judged.. so you learn to just be quiet, which inevitably creates a very small circle in your life and you basically become home bound. And that is to just list a few things. It’s so much. Yet I face it all, learning as I go… Just how do I survive losing our son? A question that has no clear answer.

Today, I hope is a “good day” for us all but if it’s not and you find yourself struggling just remember — You are not alone— 🥰 The one thing I can do is share my own struggles on this horrible journey that no one wants to be on and hope that if anyone else is struggling at least you know your not alone. We are literally living through the most unnatural loss. All we can do is our best, whether that’s minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.. and that’s enough!

With Love, Hugs and Understanding!! Angela, KennyBugs Momma! 🦋🦋