Lately, I have had a bit more energy, motivation, a push to do more. Whether it’s around the house or in my flowers, etc. I guess a way to say it is -my give a damn has returned- and while I’m pleased to feel like I want to participate in every day life things again, I’m very aware that I feel definitely out of practice. Holding a conversation, in person, face to face, for an example is not easy for me. There is so much that changes a parent after child loss and so much that is not understood by those around you and very understandably so they can’t fathom what you mean by admitting that you have difficulties with normal every day things. Some parents, like me, struggle daily.

For instance, since losing Kenny, I have extreme panic and anxiety attacks that take hold of you and lies to your mind and creates irrational fears. Ones that keep you worried, scared, up all hours of the night, always with the “ what if’s” and you can’t explain why?! There’s also the loss of trust in people because deep down you feel like your being judged.. so you learn to just be quiet, which inevitably creates a very small circle in your life and you basically become home bound. And that is to just list a few things. It’s so much. Yet I face it all, learning as I go… Just how do I survive losing our son? A question that has no clear answer.

Today, I hope is a “good day” for us all but if it’s not and you find yourself struggling just remember — You are not alone— 🥰 The one thing I can do is share my own struggles on this horrible journey that no one wants to be on and hope that if anyone else is struggling at least you know your not alone. We are literally living through the most unnatural loss. All we can do is our best, whether that’s minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.. and that’s enough!

With Love, Hugs and Understanding!! Angela, KennyBugs Momma! 🦋🦋

I have been so lost for words lately. So much sadness and violence… loss and devastation, it feels like this country has lost all control, where is the humanity? What is happening? I’m heartbroken for all the families ( past and present school shooting victims) who have lost their beautiful children, for the families of the teachers who were protecting their students, that they cared for. I pray, pray, pray for them all. I pray for the innocent people who are randomly, viscously being killed while getting groceries, going to church, attending a funeral, being at a hospital/clinic for health care, going about their every day lives and are being actively gunned down 😩 I just pray for this country so much. No-one is safe! The “United” that is supposed to define our country is sadly being trampled on by hate filled people who seek to destroy and no one is doing anything to stop them. What can be done to stop them? That’s the life-saving question? There is no time for a political war right now.. Unite and stop this now. I don’t care what your pride tells you, pocketbooks/wallets, personal belief, or what your religion is, we can all at-least agree that we no longer feel safe in our own country from our own fellow citizens. Meanwhile, while our government decides ( fights) about what can be done, we all have to watch this unfold before our eyes, our children’s eyes, in shock and horror!!

So sad! 😞

Tell the ones you love how much you love them and often. Remain kind and spread it as much as you can. Stay safe!

Love, hugs and understanding! Angela Suttner, KennyBugs Momma! 🦋

I want to take a bit to express my thanks and gratitude for those who have read our book and have helped us reach this milestone… #50 reviews 🎉 It may not seem like such a big deal but for us it’s huge! We are excited to know that those who have read Kenny’s story have been impacted and will go on to tell others about Kenny’s story.

Our wish is that Kenny’s story will instill hope in those who need to know they are not alone. The thought of our book saving a life means everything to me and helps my broken heart. It’s the very reason for sharing KennyBugs story and my painful journey.

So, I humbly thank each of you for your continued support and care for Kenny and his story!

With love, hugs and understanding! Please Be Kind! It’s Easy!!

Angela, KennyBugs Momma!

Like a carousel, my mind spins around and around. Slowly. Not so fast as to feel sick but just enough to feel like I need to plant my feet firmly on the ground. Instead of beautiful, colorful horses, synchronized as they go round and around – my mind plays slideshows of birthday party memories, pictures of Kenny’s smiling face as we all sang “ Happy Birthday” for him. I can see his face so clear with his beautiful blue eyes that shined so bright when he smiled.. Kenny’s smile made you feel like you were special somehow.. it was said to me once that “Kenny’s smile was like a warm hello without him saying a word” and that’s very accurate!

As I’ve been feeling the anxiety and panic build in my chest and head. I close my eyes tight and plant my feet firmly and focus on my son’s wonderful smile. I will spend today weeping endlessly but I will do so and also smile because I will be thinking of Kenny’s smile!

With a broken heart I pray Kenny is remembered by many today and they spread kindness, tolerance and acceptance. Please Be Kind! It’s Easy!

With Love, hugs and understanding, Angela, KennyBugs Momma!

Parts of me will. Parts of me will remain behind. Each year a bit more of who I was stays. Maybe one day all those parts will come back together and I won’t feel so broken. A.S

Five years ago I was a blessed woman. I had my wonderful husband and four healthy, growing, happy, full of life children. Christmas was just days away, my favorite time of the year.. what more could a mother want for Christmas?

On this evening five years ago I would say goodnight to our second born son for the last time. I saw his face looking back at me, it’s still so clear in my mind. My son smiled and replied “ good night momma.” His handsome face and those words are etched in my mind. My minds-eye tries to read something in his eyes that I didn’t see, something.. anything to foresee that our son was about to exit this life. It’s a painful ritual my mind withstands.

What feels like an impending doom that starts in the pit of my stomach, then my heart, next my mind and finally my soul, all of which will play a role with the inner chaos that I am forced to endure. The months, weeks, days and now hours that lead up to the hour my son left this world and the day that I became drenched in this agonizing sadness. The day is written in stone, the day my son died 12-21-2016. Having four years past to rely on, on this fifth year angelversary of Kenneth Louis Suttner’s passing I will relive the death of my son all over again. The sweet memories that I cling to daily and all the priceless pictures that are my treasures will be my refuge. To remember our Kenny in the shining light that his soul so obviously contained is my gift and my blessing because he is my son.

I pray for the strength and will to get through December 21st and the days to follow with some grace. I pray for my husband and sons. I pray that we may all smile a bit more for Christmas and feel some joy. I pray that as Kenny watches over us that he is proud of us, even in our struggles. I pray for so much. More than anything I pray that Kenny feels our love always and knows how much we wish he was home.

Love, Angela, KennyBug’s Momma! 🦋 Remember our son today and everyday! Be Kind! It’s Easy! 🦋

Where The Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story

Where the Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M2HBCYT/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_9N6BZ18X5WN4DYSMFF1N

All for you KennyBug!!

With love, hugs and understanding! Angela-KennyBugs momma!!

Recently I have hit a slump. I stopped writing, reading and posting. Doesn’t sound like a big deal but the months of September and October mean so much to me because they are Suicide and Bullying Awareness and Prevention months and for the past four years I have worked hard to do my part to help make a difference. I am always seeking ways to spread awareness but these months are especially important and I just haven’t done my part these past couple months. Yes, I’m feeling very guilty. What happened? Well, I started to feel very insignificant. I’m one person, how much can my words really help? If anyone reads them at all. But today I’m back. Whether or not it resonates with anyone is up to them but I can and will continue to try and help all children feel just as important as the one sitting next to yours.

Last month I came across a article about a elementary teacher who had made a rule in her classroom that she believed would spare children from feeling left out, not good enough, friendless. A very simple rule of -please do not send party invites with your child to school to hand out in class- she then stated, I will not allow you to use my classroom to show who is popular and who is not. When I read the article I thought “ good for her!” THEN I read the comments and I was so angry. There were so many adults, PARENTS calling children “ TWINKIES, weak, soft, crybabies” for having feelings. These are children!! I was appalled. So much so I bawled. Why? Because these are the parents who are teaching their children not to care how their actions affect others and I am mad!!

Read that again.. adults, PARENTS calling children “ TWINKIES”.

No, not everyone deserves a trophy.. as so many parents made the comparison, which is ridiculous. To compare a trophy for accomplishing something to an invite to a birthday party for elementary children does not make sense to me. The two have nothing to do with the other. Maybe not every child “deserves” to be invited to your child’s party but EVERY CHILD does deserve to be treated with dignity. I just can not understand the mentality of these parents. Maybe their child is lucky enough to have tons of friends, never been left out, never been called names but that is not the case for so many children. My frustration comes from the simple question of “ Why would you want to make a child feel left out?” Why? As the adult you can simply do the invites for your child outside of school as the teacher asked and your child will still have a wonderful birthday party.. but to act as if this teacher was taking something away from your child, I just don’t get it. In reality she is ensuring all her students are treated equally, as they should be. Another parent remarked “ kids need to learn that not everyone will like them and to toughen up”. While I agree with part of this statement because I had to teach my bullied child that at a very young age.. it’s ok if not everyone likes you, but I do not agree that it means a child is weak in any way or a “Twinkie” for having feelings, for being sad. In what kind of world are we living in that it’s acceptable to teach young children your weak for being sad?? I guarantee that if any of those parents commenting had a child who was left out or had dealt with being bullied their mindset would be very different. Elementary school years are the formative years where children are learning the fundamentals which includes socializing. Teach kindness, acceptance and tolerance. For God sake don’t teach your children it’s a weakness to have feelings.

To combat the ones who will say “ Why should my child have to invite your child if they don’t want to?” this is for you.. because if that’s the question you have on this topic you have completely missed the point. Your child doesn’t have to invite a child if they don’t want to. The point is.. it doesn’t belong in the classroom. If you as an adult have the opportunity to spare a child from feeling left out, I hope you take it.. I hope that you would consider “ what if that was my child?” School years are hard enough for children!

Sincerely, Angela, KennyBugs Momma!

So honored to have a nationally known expert publish an article in a national professional journal called Rethinking Behavior and included our son, Kenny Suttner and his story. Our son continues to help change policy, procedure, awareness and prevention surrounding mental health and bullying in our schools!

https://www.pageturnpro.com/Midwest-Symposium-for-Leadership-in-Behavior-Disorders/101454-ReThinking-Behavior-Fall-2021/flex.html#page/19

Be Kind! It’s Easy!

With Love, hugs and understanding!!

Angela Suttner, KennyBugs Momma!

It’s so nice to look outside and see bright green grass, finally! This winter seemed so very long and I’ve struggled to make my way through it. The winter season is so hard for us to get through emotionally. My book release was in October, Kenny’s angelversary is December 21st, then Christmas, and Kenny’s Birthday is January 14th, along with other dates in the winter months that bring about so many emotions. It’s so hard. Among health issues I’ve dealt with some pretty heavy depression.. it’s been the worst I’ve lived with since losing our son 4 years 3mo ago. I can’t explain why this year has been the worst, It just is. My – give a damn- has been busted for months now and I just exist. It’s exhausting, painful and some days debilitating but I’m making my way through. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I’ve learned through 4 years living in grief that these dwells of depression come and go. It’s not a place to stay but to get through.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I finished the book I wrote in honor of Kenny with the help of a great friend in October 2020. I felt this urgent need to tell his story to help those who have or are currently being bullied, I want them to know they are not alone. I wanted the world to know our son for who he was, what he stood for and what he went through. I also wanted to help those who live with grief. I accomplished my goal and finished the book; Where The Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story and is available through Amazon. It was extremely difficult to write and some days I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to finish it. What kept me writing was the hope that Kenny’s story could save one child.. if only one child, then it would be worth the time and tears that went into my sons book. I have immense pride in telling the world about my son.. how wonderful he was, how irreplaceable he is.

Once the book released I felt this overwhelming decompression in my body like the biggest exhale.. relief, finality.. put the pen down, done feeling and just felt like I needed to let my mind rest. Wrangle back in all my thoughts, feelings, experiences and reorganize them in my being again to function. To write the book I had to be in constant connection with all my thoughts and emotions, the good the bad, the happy the sad and it was so much more draining than I imagined it was going to be. As hard as it was I am extremely glad that I accomplished this goal for Kenny.

Although it’s been a long hard winter I am here still. I am still Roaring against bullying and still telling my sons story to help others. I am looking forward to spring being in full swing.. flowers, butterflies and walks on the farm. The light at the end of the tunnel!

Relish in your precious memories.. hold on tight and let them bring you some joy! ❤️

With Love, hugs and understanding!

KennyBugs Momma, Angela!

Happy Heavenly Birthday KennyBug!

January fourteenth! Today twenty-two years ago our miracle baby came into this world. Straight from the arms of God to ours. We felt so blessed to call him ours. Kenneth Louis was and always will be our proof that miracles do happen. 

I woke up with that instant feeling of sadness in the pit of my stomach, eyes that started to rain tears before I could fully wake up and my heart hurt with extra pain with each thump. “My baby’s birthday” was my instant thought as I lifted my head from my pillow. A surge of emotions filled my body. Thoughts and memories made my head spin. My mind was wanting to remember every seventeen years of birthdays we had with Kenny, to replay the day he was born over and over again all while screaming inside from the reality that this is the fourth year I have not been able to hug my son on his special day. How can this be? 

It’s hard to explain how you can have so many emotions going on at once but yet feel like you’ve zoned out, empty, a living shell for all the pain to grow. At this moment I feel like screaming out so loud to God – GIVE ME MY SON BACK- if only for today! Please…. 

I’m angry.. he should be here! He deserves this day to be showered with gifts, a cake, hugs and blessings from those who love him so very much! He deserves so much. 

As I sit with my sorrow, in the silence, alone.. all I hear is the beautiful sounds of my wind chime that this blustery day is playing for me. How fitting that the sounds to comfort me come from something so simple. When I go to sit with Kenny graveside his wind chime always plays for me there as well, even on days with little to no wind. I choose to believe that it’s my baby saying “ I’m here Momma.. I’m here”! 

Although we are denied the joy of being with our son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend today, I imagine Kenny surrounded by loved ones and they are giving him a perfect heavenly birthday party! While a part of me feels comforted with that thought, the reality is I’m jealous beyond words. I will have my own pity party today because the angels get to be with my son and I don’t. It’s utterly unfair. It feels as if I am missing out on the most wonderful party.. also knowing one day I will receive my invite. Reunited with our son!! 

Until then I’ll be sending all my love to Kenny on his birthday through prayers and remembering all I can today. I’ll cry and smile and cry again while looking at pictures. I’ll miss him so terribly today like every day before and all those to come. 

Remember our Kennybug today and spread kindness today for his birthday gift! 

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY OUR SWEET KENNYBUG!! WE LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!