When all you have are photographs and videos to see your child besides the engraved imagine that resides in your mind, you cherish each and every one. With a single picture you instantly embark on a trip down memory lane, and you love each trip. I take many trips! It’s when you snap back to today that hurts.
The pain of the Bereaved Parent.
I do not compare my pain to anyone’s else’s, that’s not fair to anyone.. all I know is mine. I can relate and understand your pain but I can’t feel it and vice versa, therefore we remain connected by knowing we bear the immeasurable pain together. The pain of missing our beloved child. The brokenness of our hearts, the fake smiles we force, the days where sobbing is all we can accomplish…. we remain and do our best to keep moving forward in this life, even when those steps we take backwards make us feel like all we do is struggle.. like walking against a strong wind. Slow and steady is all we can do.
Deep breaths and allow the memories to carry you on to the next day!
For some reason yesterday evening I suddenly felt the change of seasons. It’s late August, still a 90 degree day, beautiful blue sky… But if you sit and watch in the woods the leaves are gently falling. Changing colors. The fawns are losing their spots, the blooms of flowers are on their last debut of the year. The once bright green corn fields are now turning golden. It’s here, Autumn!
It’s magnificent how a change in seasons can manifest in people as a shift in moods but it does. Change can be such a great thing! Cooler temperature, fall rainy days to make the dust disappear… And a new view full of exuberance and color. Fall colors are amazing. We resort to things of comfort.. a warm blanket, soft pajama pants, a favorite mug for hot chocolate. Bonfires and hoodies are a must! It can be a great time of year!
I am going to try to embrace the season and changes that are coming. The clocks will change, the days become shorter, the nights longer. I am looking forward to it. Do not fear change..
Teaching myself to overcome my anxiety from the thought of this time of year. The time, season and upcoming date on which my son left this world.
Learning to be ok with my grief! It is mine, noone else can take it from me, carry it for me, guide me, teach me or see me through it. You may hold my hand, lend a shoulder and offer words of kindness.. but at the end of the day it is just me and my grief. It comes from the depths of my love for my son. A love that can not be replicated or explained. We love our children individually. Not to define or compare them to another. Each deserving their own place in our hearts. There they will always stay. Our Blessings.
Our hearts are made to love our children without ending, eternally growing. Death does not change that. The only thing that changes is that I have nowhere to place my love for my son, to bestow it upon him with care and graditude that he is mine. It’s kept locked away in my heart, tight and forever.. expelled through prayer. Words whispered in the wind, spoken in my mind, sent to him with hope that he may hear me. The part of my heart that belongs to my angel at times feels overflowing. That’s what grief is. All of our love and noway to give it to our child. A hug, a long talk, a sweet text just to say – Hi, I love you-! We are denied the normal rights of parenting. The day to day showering our child with love ceased to exist. So in our hearts our love for them remains. Building with the days that come and pass. Coming out through tears and sadness, always taunted by the inexplicable loss and always missing them.
Grief is not a state of mind but a heart full of love, a love that never deminishes. Therefore grief will always be a part of me. And I’m ok with that!
It’s a beautiful sunshine filled August morning. All the flowers are opened to take in all the warmth and light and it’s so pretty. The grass damp with the morning dew. Birds singing, butterfly’s everywhere.. what a blessing.
I have been self motivating lately. I no longer rely on things or people for my moods, or outlook on the day. It’s up to me. I can either let the despicable nature of others keep me down or I can choose to see the best this world has to offer and know that it is enough. I choose the later. I have wonderful people in my life, surrounding me with love and happiness, I’m lucky. Very lucky!
I urge those of you who struggle as I do to search for those who bring you light, fresh air, laughter, and good vibes. Stay away from the negative.. the ones who insist on bringing up things that you have healed from, no longer give them any power over your smile. We have enough things in our daily life to weigh us down, do not allow those hate filled people to add more. You will soon find as the days pass that they no longer have any power over you… your healing will escalate, your peace will slowly return and your mind will fill with happy memories again.
It’s pretty hard to understand how people will line up to be the first to kick you while your down. Its cruel and vile, but it’s true.. there they’ll be if you give them the chance. For quite sometime now I have refused to just lay there and give anyone the chance to hurt me anymore. And I am here to say it was long overdue, I took my power back and put my shield back up. I am no one’s emotional punching bag. I am not a place, person or thing for anyone to throw their guilt at, expell their anger at, to blame, point fingers just to make themselves feel better. No longer.
I had wasted so much energy begging God to make people leave me be while I grieve our son. Why won’t they just leave me and my family be?? Until I realized it was because I hadn’t completely shut that door, disabled the part of my heart and mind that allowed them to hurt me. Once I did that, shut that door, it was like seeing the sun in a whole new light. Bigger and brighter.
Instead of a world cloaked with darkness and unsavory people.. I see a world full of hope, love and understanding. A world I can grieve our son in while still feeling warmth, not cold bitterness. It truly makes a difference. After all isn’t that all we ask for and need. To grieve our child in peace. I know there will always be those who try to rain untruths, judgment and evil down on me to darken my days.. but I will see through the rain until the rainbow appears. Our son loved rainbows. It’s a choice we must make clear to ourselves and the universe. We choose peace.
I wish you all a sunshine filled day, if it rains, wait patiently to see that rainbow to remind you that the rain will go away and the sun always returns.
When we least expect it days pop up where we are forced to defend.. protect our son’s memory and our family from some of the most viscous of people. I call them evil. You may also call them cruel, violent, narsasistic people. All of which are true. I am constantly reminded that bully’s come in many forms, all ages and use any means to inflict their venom into your life. The satisfaction they get out of their actions is sick.
I understand not liking someone, having distain for someone.. but to attack someone repeatedly because – you don’t like them- is not normal. Healthy adults will simply move on and not associate with the unliked person/person’s. A sick minded person seeks ways to bully, destroy, harass, manipulate and sets his/her target on you. It is a sickness, a need to feel superior and it does become worrisome, at what lengths will these types of perpetrators go? What will it take to have them leave the victim/victims alone? Will you need the authorities to intervene, legal action, expose them for who they are? There may come a time when drastic measures are needed to protect yourself and family. Do not hesitate if you feel threatened.
My faith in humanity sustains me, and my belief that good will always prevail keeps me moving forward. I may be blindsided and taken back by the means and lengths some will go to bring us more heartache, like a snake that strikes without warning. But we pray, hope and constantly search for peace and to be left alone while we try to heal and live each day to our best ability.
We are very thankful, grateful and appreciative to have the army of Kenny Warriors behind us. We know we have a lot of people who believe as we do.. that kindness will conquer the cruel. We stay strong, united and unwaivered in our fight against bullying.
With love, hugs and understanding. Take back your power in knowing noone has the right to attack, abuse, or threaten your well-being. Ever.
It is true in the blink of an eye your whole world can change. Be shattered like beautiful stained glass that once mirrored your life.
We thought we had time, so much more time. Many more memories to make, pictures to take. Special occassions that couldn’t be erased, accomplishments we would watch and moments to be cherished and embraced. It doesn’t seem fair, no not at all.. to see my son rise so tall, strong and kind .. just to have him fall. To have cruelty take away so much. No more stumbles, no more getting back up. The end to all his tomorrow’s, no goodbye, just days full of sorrow.
We begin and begin again, to try to understand, more questions is all we have in the end.
Say – I love you- as much as you can because your world is fragile and all those you love irreplaceable. If your mad, stay mad but don’t hate, if your lost stick out your hand for someone to take. Help is a heartbeat away, please speak for those whose voice won’t say… They need some one to be kind to them today.
Tomorrow is not promised so do not take today for granted.
As those of you who have followed my pages know I’ve dedicated much of my time telling my son’s story to help others. Months ago I decided to take that to the next level and tell Kenny’s whole story. Our story. To honor our son. To help others who are enduring bullying, families living in grief and people who just need to know they are not alone. This book is for my son and for you! I hope it will find its way into your hands and your hearts. Thank you for the continued support and the care you’ve bestowed upon me and my family throughout my journey, learning to live without our son.
I am excited about this part of my journey and hope I am able to touch the hearts of many.
I have been admittingly struggling the last couple days. Motivation.. none, energy.. very little, care in the world…barely, And these feelings are all to familiar. I’ve been here many times since my son’s death. Depression is sneaking up on me. Again. My emotions have been all over the place. Anger most prevelant lately with agitation. To no fault of my own or anyone’s around me, it’s just a phase I visit frequently.
Times when I feel I struggle the most? The 21st of each month means it’s been another month since I’ve seen my son. Heard his laugh. Witnessed his smile. And it hurts so much. It brings out all the questions that I have and then the anger that I will never truly know the answers. And that is so hard for me to except.
I have come to learn throughout the past three years seven months that as long as I can recognize the stage of grief I’m in.. I can get myself out. And thus I will let myself dwell until I feel it’s passed. Usually a week or so.. And then I’ll be out in the sun again, staring at my flowers and wishing upon stars. Until then prayers for peace and understanding are always my comfort.
With love, hugs and understanding. Find something to give you some peace.