Keep moving!

I have been admittingly struggling the last couple days. Motivation.. none, energy.. very little, care in the world…barely, And these feelings are all to familiar. I’ve been here many times since my son’s death. Depression is sneaking up on me. Again. My emotions have been all over the place. Anger most prevelant lately with agitation. To no fault of my own or anyone’s around me, it’s just a phase I visit frequently.

Times when I feel I struggle the most? The 21st of each month means it’s been another month since I’ve seen my son. Heard his laugh. Witnessed his smile. And it hurts so much. It brings out all the questions that I have and then the anger that I will never truly know the answers. And that is so hard for me to except.

I have come to learn throughout the past three years seven months that as long as I can recognize the stage of grief I’m in.. I can get myself out. And thus I will let myself dwell until I feel it’s passed. Usually a week or so.. And then I’ll be out in the sun again, staring at my flowers and wishing upon stars. Until then prayers for peace and understanding are always my comfort.

With love, hugs and understanding. Find something to give you some peace.

Angela, Kennybugs Momma!

When will people understand??

I can’t count how many times I’ve been told ” can’t wait till your old Ang again” or ” We want our old Ang back”. Each time hurts more than the last. That’s what family and friends have always called me, Ang. I get where they are coming from I just wish for once they could get where I’m coming from. That person I was doesn’t exist anymore and never will.

This is the new me.. take me or leave me but stop making me feel bad for not being who you think I should be. I don’t relate to normal everyday B.S. once you’ve lost a child, gossip and idle talk just frustrates me. I wanna scream ” if that’s your biggest problem, consider yourself lucky” – stop bitching. But I don’t. I keep it locked away because I know deep down they can and never will get me again. At no fault of their own. It is what it is. I live with grief and do my best.

Storms brewing.

Here in mid Missouri today the storms are brewing all around us. Much like life. Our weather comes in predictable patterns and they are needed to sustain growth, maturity for flowers, crops.. they offer some relief from the heat that’s been overpowering in the summer days. Rainy days are needed. Rain washes away the dust that has sat iddle until disturbed. Allows growth and new blooms, it brings about color and new air. But sometimes they come in a form of pop up storms ..they yield little to no warning. They blow in with intent to destroy with gusting winds and down pours, drowning out any progress.

I look at the connection between mother nature and our physical beings. Alike the storms that are predictable, forcasted, known.. we have time to prepare. Take warning. Take steps to remain safe. For the pop up storms we are blindsided, given little to no warning and they can wreck havoc. For months now I’ve been stuck in the continued cycle of pop up storms. Just when I think I have taken the last hit another one comes along and rocks my foundation that I work so hard to build. A foundation where I can stand and begin to heal. A foundation that doesn’t judge my grief and allows me the space I need to thrive, my own way. The walls I’ve built are for protection from the storms. They are weak, not strong enough to handle a major storm. I grow weary with each board I put up, that it can just as easily be knocked down again. My progress is in jeopardy by things I can not control, like the weather.

I’ve been hurt in my life. A lot of lies. I’ve lost a lot in my life, my son. Family and friends. I’ve prevailed through most of what life has thrown at me up until I had to bury my son. Since then it’s been a losing game. A game others play with my emotions for sport, fun. I ask myself often what did I do to deserve so much pain? Is this a punishment for being such a horrible child? What? Why? Are constant questions that fill my mind.

I have been obsessed with storms since a tornado ripped through our rural area in 2006. It was so close to destroying everything we had worked so hard for. We saw the aftermath of such power. We heard its mass amount of energy as it passed by us like the sound of a train. It missed us. I became engulfed in wanting to understand how it hit our neighbors on both sides of us but not us. We felt lucky. Fortunate. Spared.

I equated that to life up until we lost our son we felt like we had been fortunate, our little family thrived, we worked hard for what we had and took pride in the simple things. We felt spared from any disasters, debree from storms had little to no damage for us.. we just kept pressing on in life. And then we were hit with the ultimate disaster. The death of our son. It felt like a storm had blew in like a lion and took our son. Non of it made sense to me. How could we not have seen that this storm was building. It was coming right at us and we didn’t see or hear the warning sirens. He was just gone. Like a raging war between life and death, the storm won. The devestaion that was left behind, pieces to be picked up and put together, the anguish that took hold of our happy little family tore us to shreds, it all felt like being hit by a F5 tornado. Shock, dazed, I couldn’t see past the choas, the rubble of emotions that filled my insides. I was destroyed.

I find myself still digging through the rubble of emotions, memories, life.. ever since that day our son was taken from us, three years seven months ago. It has not gotten easier to withstand the next storm, ones we can prepare for or pop ups create such anxiety and fear of more loss. More heartache. After all how many times can a family be hit head on and come out ok?

The latest pop up storm in my life was the day after my last birthday, five months ago. The results from an DNA Ancestry test came in. I had taken the test out of curiosity of what made me who I was. My make up, back ground. Not growing up with my biological father I always felt like I lacked the nessesary information to feel like I knew my whole self. I found that when your entire world gets rocked, your faith gains you strength and knowing is power to grow. I was in desperate need for growth.

Nervously I opened the results and instantly sat in shock. Bewildered by the name that popped up as my father. A man whose name I had never heard. Not the man I was told was my father all of my life. Fourty two years. The instant betrayal slapped me in the face. I felt like a whirlwind came and had me spinning in circles in my head trying to make sense out of what I was reading. The lies, misguidance.. I in fact knew very little about who I was.

What a storm? What a set back in picking up the rubble of my life!! I’ve had to learn to start over alot since losing my son.. yet again I found myself at ground zero. But I remain. No wind, rain, broken branches of my family tree will keep me from pushing on for my children. My husband. And the constant need to honor our late son. I just keep picking up the pieces and one day hope to see the full picture again. I vow to not let another storm catch me off guard. I intently watch the sky, look for signs, allow my internal compass to keep me aligned within my ability to foresee. To stay two steps ahead and keep my distance from anything that could rock my foundation again. My existance depends on it.

With Love, hugs and understanding, you are not alone. We all struggle and we all need affirmation.

Angela, Kennybugs Momma!

Sunset and now dark.

As I sit and look back through my day, which I try to do every evening. Sometimes I can’t, it’s so hard but I know it helps when I do.

Today was a ” good” day! That meaning I didnt spend most of my day crying or hiding from life. Yes, sometimes I hide. I hide from real. The real truth that my son is gone. Somewhere I can not get to. To me that’s torture. I hide from all the pain that comes with knowing I will not see him today, tomorrow, or ever again until I get to where he is. That is the torture I wake up to every single day.

Today was no different than any other day. I can not explain why today was a day I felt ok. Ok enough to clean, take a shower, go to town with my husband and son and take our dog for a ride, I dont know why some days are more bearable than others. I wish I knew. But days like today are so refreshing. Like a breathe of air was aloud in my lungs that had been denied, a splash of color in a dark existance… and it is amazing and weird at the same time.

How can I feel happiness?! That is a constant war within myself that I can not win. Guilt.

May be it’s not meant to be a win or lose. Right or wrong. Grieving is so personal. Having 3 living children, I feel like I failed as a parent more so now than at any time in raising our four young children at such a young age myself. When your children are young you can protect them, shelter and bubble them from as much harm as possible. As they get older you lose a little here, a little there, to where your gripping onto anything you can to keep your child young and safe. I lost. And it hurts every day.

I look up at the clear sky at night, the big dipper so clearly sitting right on top of me and I know somewhere my son’s named star exist and I pray upon it. I pray he helps my heart understand all the why’s that plague me.. my heart, our lives. I trust one day our son will allow us that. I know he feels my love.. he has too.. I spend most of my energy to make sure of it, through prayer.

My job as his momma never ended and never will. I am his, he is mine to always protect and shield. He is my Angel.

With love, hugs and understanding!

Angie, Kennybugs momma!

A new day.. Thankful!

After a wrestless nights sleep I awoke to a beautiful sunny day. But my heart feels so heavy. I can not let go of witnessing such cruelty spread by words, it shook me to my core. My voice silenced. My work haulted. My faith rocked.

We Roar for KennyBug!

For over three years now I have advocated #BEKIND#ITSEASY and raised awareness on the harm of bullying others. The detrimental long term effects it has on ones soul. I’ve done this feverishly in hopes of being able to create some change in people’s hearts.

In recent events I’ve been made aware by actions and words that not even those closest to me get the message and it is so disheartening. Why do I put myself out there telling my son’s story if no one gets it. I know change takes time and may be I’m naive in thinking I could soften even the hardest hearts. But I did. And I feel defeated.

I will never understand how it comes so easily for some to be cruel, demeaning and judgmental. How can they sleep at night knowing someone else is hurting because of them? Where is the compassion for another human being?

Lost and bewildered. I will eventually regain my composure and keep moving forward in this fight of kindness verses cruel but some days it’s so hard.

With love, hugs, and understanding, Angie… Kennybugs momma!

May we all see the light!

Turmoil.. we all have it.

My son was the walking, talking, poster child for kindness.

Yes most of us can say that, but my child was special. Why? Because he had every reason to turn hard to this world and the people around him.. he could have retaliated and fought back the bully’s who sought him out. He could have.. but he didn’t. He didn’t have a mean bone in his body. No matter the amount of hurt, sadness, confusion.. not understanding what he did to be treated so different, he never let it deminish the light in his heart. His soul was so bright and loving and he stood tall and strong as long as he could.

I have had to as his mother remind myself this over and over again. When I see a similar situation taking place I want to be the voice for that person, family.. I want to stand in front of them and say NO… You will not terrorize this child. I want to be that body in-between hurt and cruelty. Stop it in it’s tracks. But I am one person. One little lady and can not do it alone. That’s why I use my words.

Words will enter a willing mind and heart and perhaps create change.. being confrontational will not help. But it is hard. It’s hard to bare witness and feeling helpless, limited to what I can do. I am always willing to help as much as I can.. that’s what I do now. My time, mind, heart.. I’m all in. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life and more here lately because I can not relate to them anymore. I can not condone violence in any form. Words, actions, destruction.. it saddens me to my very core. Removing myself from so many people is my ill attempt to protect my heart… If I allow this world to harden my heart I can not help others who need to hear they are not alone.

No I’m not hiding from the problems, the world. Just the means at which people hide.. tough behind screens and misuse the greatest tool of all.. social media. If not for platforms we would never be heard. But so many abuse the ability to use it wisely. To help. To ease fears. To give hope. To keep people together. Instead it’s a tool to demean and belittle and that goes against who I am.

I pray for so much. As we all do and my hopes are high.. may kindness win!

Love, hugs and understanding.. always Angie..Kennybugs Momma!

When I think of my son, he is my light, my beakon to which I aspire to be.

This little light of mine I’m going to let it shine.. let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

To unpack emotions.. a place to feel safe.

Kenny has been gone for 3 years and 5 months.. some days it feels like yesterday while others feel like eternity. I’ve mentioned before how time doesn’t seem the same since our son passed away, the days all mesh together. I have a hard time realizing that this year is already almost half way over. Where does the time go??? I feel older now. Time keeps flying by, like a fast forward button got pushed. With twinges of life creeping into my body I also feel more aches. As if to waken from a 3 year sleep. Stiff and deflated. I feel a change coming and I pray it’s good.

Change is something I loath at this stage in my life. I do not like it.. I’ve had enough change to last me a life time. I am content in my little bubble of quiet, simple, non confrontational existance. My once fierce, love for adventure has dulled inside of my now panicky anxious self. But I’ve grown accustomed to my new self. Safe, secure, weiry of those things that can hurt. I steer clear of the what ifs that life can throw at me because I have enough that fill my head.

My new normal may be called a rut to others but it’s where my survival mode has sustained me. And out of fear of a set back, here I will remain until my mind and body decide it’s time to pick up and move forward to uncomfortable waters, unknown reactions, and possiblity. Not quite a coward but not strong either. I balance in between life and lingering in existance. But I am here.

With love, hugs and understanding! May we all find peace wherever we are in our journey.

Angela, KennyBugs momma!

Remembering when..

This caught my attention today in a big big way. It’s a beautiful picture and the saying, like a bell, rang so loud for me.. it is very true!

My memories before December 21, 2016 are clear, crisp, like new.. I can remember dates, places and events like it was yesterday.. ask me what I did 4 days ago and I may or may not recall. It is like a time difference that I can not quite explain. The days seem to mesh together.

Fighting for normal, one day at a time. Remembering time can not be moved or taken back. I keep moving forward while holding on tight to my yesterdays, they are my memories with my son. They say time heals all wounds.. not true. They say never look back your future is ahead of you, yes but my son is back there. Not everything is as simple as it sounds.

With a heavy heart, mind and soul..

Love, hugs and understanding to all!

Angela, KennyBugs momma!

Sprinkles..

When nature offers a warm ray of sunshine, a beautiful song just for you from gods creatures, unseen, but you know they are there. Birds, frogs, the trees swaying.. it all culminates into a peaceful tune. With the creek gently flowing by it brings you calmness. The air feels new, smells like earth and fills your lungs with purity. Spring.

Our creek!

Spring sprinkles a ray of hope for all, it’s full of new beginnings, new growth and so much beautiful transformation everywhere you look. The array of colors, the hummingbirds are back for their months long stay, baby birds are getting their feathers and soon frolicking fawns will be seen. It is all so lovely and amazing. To stop and smell the flowers and take in all Gods wonderful sprinkles of happiness that come with the season. I feel blessed to witness this each year.

Beautiful sunset picture I took!

I stop and admire each of Springs sunsets, each so different, special and priceless. I take in all of Springs blessings because my son can’t. Kenny can no longer experience all of the wonders the simple country life we live have to offer and for him I will never take it for granted again. When a butterfly lands on my shoulder I think of my son, when an eagle soars over the house I think of my son.. my son is everywhere because I think of him in all the beauty of nature.

With sadness and grief we are allowed to feel happiness nomatter how far and in between it may be.

Love, hugs and understanding to all!

Angela, Kennybugs Momma!