Parts of me will. Parts of me will remain behind. Each year a bit more of who I was stays. Maybe one day all those parts will come back together and I won’t feel so broken. A.S

Five years ago I was a blessed woman. I had my wonderful husband and four healthy, growing, happy, full of life children. Christmas was just days away, my favorite time of the year.. what more could a mother want for Christmas?

On this evening five years ago I would say goodnight to our second born son for the last time. I saw his face looking back at me, it’s still so clear in my mind. My son smiled and replied “ good night momma.” His handsome face and those words are etched in my mind. My minds-eye tries to read something in his eyes that I didn’t see, something.. anything to foresee that our son was about to exit this life. It’s a painful ritual my mind withstands.

What feels like an impending doom that starts in the pit of my stomach, then my heart, next my mind and finally my soul, all of which will play a role with the inner chaos that I am forced to endure. The months, weeks, days and now hours that lead up to the hour my son left this world and the day that I became drenched in this agonizing sadness. The day is written in stone, the day my son died 12-21-2016. Having four years past to rely on, on this fifth year angelversary of Kenneth Louis Suttner’s passing I will relive the death of my son all over again. The sweet memories that I cling to daily and all the priceless pictures that are my treasures will be my refuge. To remember our Kenny in the shining light that his soul so obviously contained is my gift and my blessing because he is my son.

I pray for the strength and will to get through December 21st and the days to follow with some grace. I pray for my husband and sons. I pray that we may all smile a bit more for Christmas and feel some joy. I pray that as Kenny watches over us that he is proud of us, even in our struggles. I pray for so much. More than anything I pray that Kenny feels our love always and knows how much we wish he was home.

Love, Angela, KennyBug’s Momma! 🦋 Remember our son today and everyday! Be Kind! It’s Easy! 🦋