It’s now the 21st of December and the fourth year that my son has been in heaven. Today is Kenny’s Angelversary. God help me.. how have I survived another year with this pain? One thousand, four hundred and sixty one days since I’ve seen my son. Pure agony.
I’ve been asked many times how I get through the days. Holidays. Special occasions. There is no real answer. Each year has been different. In many ways harder, in some minor ways we have learned to find some joy. Today is not one of those days. The dread starts to build as the days get closer to this date, usually starts with the first sign of fall. I then know the 21st of December is approaching. This the hour that our sons heart stopped beating is torture.. I’m panicked, grief stricken, in a daze all at the same time. Each emotion overpowering as I wish so hard with all my might to turn back time. To have that window of time to stop our son from leaving this world. What I wouldn’t do for that wish. Our family whole again. Getting through this day is hard enough then we have to get through Christmas! Our family’s favorite holiday has turned into the saddest time of the year. Through prayer and faith we remain. Together our family does the best we can.
Your not alone if your struggling through the Christmas season missing your child. The sadness is so heavy. I pray we all are able to feel even the smallest spark of the Christmas spirit, I wish that for us all!
I am in such -Aww- at the reactions, responses and praise Kenny’s book has received! It makes me very proud and so happy that so many have been touched by Kenny and his story! Readers now feel like they know my son, consider him a friend and love and care for him as if they knew him.. and I love that! Change is happening all over the world because of of my son! I hope he feels how deeply proud of him I am, how much I’ve tried to help those in need in his honor!
Be thankful for the small things in life that bring you some happiness!
Today being Halloween and no trick or treating and dressing up.. our younger boys are too old now. I spent a lot of time looking through pictures today and remembering all the past Halloween’s with our kids! All the different costumes, funny faces, years of the repeated “hunter” costume! It was a great stroll down memory lane! I miss those days so much! Toting our boys across our small friendly town .. up and down the hills, keeping up with the running ones, and the sugar craze that followed, great times! It goes by so fast..
Memories are our treasures!! Hold on as long as you can!
I miss our Kenny so badly every single day but as to be expected holidays are so much harder.
Today I did an interview with a wonderful young reporter from a local TV station in Mid Missouri, it went well! I have done several interviews over the past few years.. no matter how many times you sit in front of the camera and speak about someone you love and miss so painfully it’s difficult. Today, however, I felt a bit more at ease. Instead of discussing only what happened to our son, the legal proceedings, the interview focused on who our son was. My main purpose for writing my son’s story was so that people would know he was a normal, happy, loving, and kind kiddo! I wanted the world to see him and not just the words about his death! Of course in telling Kenny’s story I touch on all subjects.. bullying, I dive into my grief in hopes to helping someone, anyone who is where I am, missing their child or loved one. I offer helpful tips for those affected by bullying and more than anything I hope my sons story finds its way to the hands of those who need to know they are not alone.
Where The trail Ends, The Kenny Suttner Story will be available through Amazon on October 30th. I hope you enjoy the book!
Helping others is very therapeutic. The smallest acts of kindness will be rewarded with a smile and words of kindness to warm an aching heart!
When all you have are photographs and videos to see your child besides the engraved imagine that resides in your mind, you cherish each and every one. With a single picture you instantly embark on a trip down memory lane, and you love each trip. I take many trips! It’s when you snap back to today that hurts.
The pain of the Bereaved Parent.
I do not compare my pain to anyone’s else’s, that’s not fair to anyone.. all I know is mine. I can relate and understand your pain but I can’t feel it and vice versa, therefore we remain connected by knowing we bear the immeasurable pain together. The pain of missing our beloved child. The brokenness of our hearts, the fake smiles we force, the days where sobbing is all we can accomplish…. we remain and do our best to keep moving forward in this life, even when those steps we take backwards make us feel like all we do is struggle.. like walking against a strong wind. Slow and steady is all we can do.
Deep breaths and allow the memories to carry you on to the next day!
For some reason yesterday evening I suddenly felt the change of seasons. It’s late August, still a 90 degree day, beautiful blue sky… But if you sit and watch in the woods the leaves are gently falling. Changing colors. The fawns are losing their spots, the blooms of flowers are on their last debut of the year. The once bright green corn fields are now turning golden. It’s here, Autumn!
It’s magnificent how a change in seasons can manifest in people as a shift in moods but it does. Change can be such a great thing! Cooler temperature, fall rainy days to make the dust disappear… And a new view full of exuberance and color. Fall colors are amazing. We resort to things of comfort.. a warm blanket, soft pajama pants, a favorite mug for hot chocolate. Bonfires and hoodies are a must! It can be a great time of year!
I am going to try to embrace the season and changes that are coming. The clocks will change, the days become shorter, the nights longer. I am looking forward to it. Do not fear change..
Teaching myself to overcome my anxiety from the thought of this time of year. The time, season and upcoming date on which my son left this world.
Learning to be ok with my grief! It is mine, noone else can take it from me, carry it for me, guide me, teach me or see me through it. You may hold my hand, lend a shoulder and offer words of kindness.. but at the end of the day it is just me and my grief. It comes from the depths of my love for my son. A love that can not be replicated or explained. We love our children individually. Not to define or compare them to another. Each deserving their own place in our hearts. There they will always stay. Our Blessings.
Our hearts are made to love our children without ending, eternally growing. Death does not change that. The only thing that changes is that I have nowhere to place my love for my son, to bestow it upon him with care and graditude that he is mine. It’s kept locked away in my heart, tight and forever.. expelled through prayer. Words whispered in the wind, spoken in my mind, sent to him with hope that he may hear me. The part of my heart that belongs to my angel at times feels overflowing. That’s what grief is. All of our love and noway to give it to our child. A hug, a long talk, a sweet text just to say – Hi, I love you-! We are denied the normal rights of parenting. The day to day showering our child with love ceased to exist. So in our hearts our love for them remains. Building with the days that come and pass. Coming out through tears and sadness, always taunted by the inexplicable loss and always missing them.
Grief is not a state of mind but a heart full of love, a love that never deminishes. Therefore grief will always be a part of me. And I’m ok with that!