My book detailing our sons story is available paper back and now Kindle on Amazon! Thank you for all your continued support and care! Our prayers and hopes are to help one child/person who has or is enduring bullying. Your not alone!
I wrote this one day not long ago when I was trying to describe to someone how life is day to day grieving our son and I couldn’t find the words. This is as close as I can get to explaining my days.
Like walking into a brick wall while I walk from the kitchen to my bedroom when suddenly a flash of an image of Kenny pops in my head, my son is laying on the snowy ground. Lifeless. Instantly I hear myself scream in my head. So very loud. Over and over. I cover my ears, close my eyes and shake my head in desperation to pray this moment in time away from my mind. God help me! My baby is gone! Any bit of stable my mind had felt before that split second disappears and the panic takes over. It stops you in your tracks. Grabs control and once again you sit in a daze. The worst day of your life smacks you in the face. You sink internally into a pit of sadness and there you’ll stay. For awhile. Maybe a day. Maybe a week. It will feel like the moment you knew your child was gone all over again. And again. And again. Life being stuck on replay. The war that takes place in the mind, the battle to control the flashes of memories is exhausting. What I wouldn’t do to only remember the good.
Then with faith, prayer and with the strength that you pull from anywhere you can, happiness will slowly begin to enter your heart again. Happy memories will play in your mind. The love you have for your family will pull you out of that despair. You can sit once again and think of your child and smile just picturing their smile, even if your thoughts are accompanied with tears at least your feeling anything but pure sadness.
The battle you just fought within your mind won’t be seen. The exhaustion your left with won’t be understood. But there it’ll be waiting for you. Rest your mind. You will feel a bit renewed, fix yourself up, make a big dinner for your family, get out more. The good days! Then Bam! Brick wall again.
It’s now the 21st of December and the fourth year that my son has been in heaven. Today is Kenny’s Angelversary. God help me.. how have I survived another year with this pain? One thousand, four hundred and sixty one days since I’ve seen my son. Pure agony.
I’ve been asked many times how I get through the days. Holidays. Special occasions. There is no real answer. Each year has been different. In many ways harder, in some minor ways we have learned to find some joy. Today is not one of those days. The dread starts to build as the days get closer to this date, usually starts with the first sign of fall. I then know the 21st of December is approaching. This the hour that our sons heart stopped beating is torture.. I’m panicked, grief stricken, in a daze all at the same time. Each emotion overpowering as I wish so hard with all my might to turn back time. To have that window of time to stop our son from leaving this world. What I wouldn’t do for that wish. Our family whole again. Getting through this day is hard enough then we have to get through Christmas! Our family’s favorite holiday has turned into the saddest time of the year. Through prayer and faith we remain. Together our family does the best we can.
Your not alone if your struggling through the Christmas season missing your child. The sadness is so heavy. I pray we all are able to feel even the smallest spark of the Christmas spirit, I wish that for us all!
I am in such -Aww- at the reactions, responses and praise Kenny’s book has received! It makes me very proud and so happy that so many have been touched by Kenny and his story! Readers now feel like they know my son, consider him a friend and love and care for him as if they knew him.. and I love that! Change is happening all over the world because of of my son! I hope he feels how deeply proud of him I am, how much I’ve tried to help those in need in his honor!
Be thankful for the small things in life that bring you some happiness!
Today being Halloween and no trick or treating and dressing up.. our younger boys are too old now. I spent a lot of time looking through pictures today and remembering all the past Halloween’s with our kids! All the different costumes, funny faces, years of the repeated “hunter” costume! It was a great stroll down memory lane! I miss those days so much! Toting our boys across our small friendly town .. up and down the hills, keeping up with the running ones, and the sugar craze that followed, great times! It goes by so fast..
Memories are our treasures!! Hold on as long as you can!
I miss our Kenny so badly every single day but as to be expected holidays are so much harder.
Today I did an interview with a wonderful young reporter from a local TV station in Mid Missouri, it went well! I have done several interviews over the past few years.. no matter how many times you sit in front of the camera and speak about someone you love and miss so painfully it’s difficult. Today, however, I felt a bit more at ease. Instead of discussing only what happened to our son, the legal proceedings, the interview focused on who our son was. My main purpose for writing my son’s story was so that people would know he was a normal, happy, loving, and kind kiddo! I wanted the world to see him and not just the words about his death! Of course in telling Kenny’s story I touch on all subjects.. bullying, I dive into my grief in hopes to helping someone, anyone who is where I am, missing their child or loved one. I offer helpful tips for those affected by bullying and more than anything I hope my sons story finds its way to the hands of those who need to know they are not alone.
Where The trail Ends, The Kenny Suttner Story will be available through Amazon on October 30th. I hope you enjoy the book!
Helping others is very therapeutic. The smallest acts of kindness will be rewarded with a smile and words of kindness to warm an aching heart!
When all you have are photographs and videos to see your child besides the engraved imagine that resides in your mind, you cherish each and every one. With a single picture you instantly embark on a trip down memory lane, and you love each trip. I take many trips! It’s when you snap back to today that hurts.
The pain of the Bereaved Parent.
I do not compare my pain to anyone’s else’s, that’s not fair to anyone.. all I know is mine. I can relate and understand your pain but I can’t feel it and vice versa, therefore we remain connected by knowing we bear the immeasurable pain together. The pain of missing our beloved child. The brokenness of our hearts, the fake smiles we force, the days where sobbing is all we can accomplish…. we remain and do our best to keep moving forward in this life, even when those steps we take backwards make us feel like all we do is struggle.. like walking against a strong wind. Slow and steady is all we can do.
Deep breaths and allow the memories to carry you on to the next day!