Holding life’s hand with the left, holding griefs hand with my right… somewhere in the middle I exist.

Stage 1#

I have learned in the past 18 months that time means nothing, it does not heal all wounds and it certainly does not make my time on Earth without my child any easier. Every day that passes and I am deprived a gentle loving hug from my son is torture. Each day that passes that I don’t get to hear his contagious laughter is heartbreaking. Every day.. Every day, it is the same excruciating pain of missing him so much.

Grief I have learned is and will always be a part of me now. I have read books and listened to others tell me how grief works, the steps that one will go through to get to the other side of grief… I don’t see how it’s possible to ever get through all the pain of losing a child. So those books did not help me, at all. What did help me, somewhat, was when a friend who had lost a child many years ago told me ” Always know where you are in your grief, don’t get lost, so you can find your way out” at first it made no sense but after some time I came to understand what she meant. Realizing you are in denial, or anger…. Everyday can be different, as long as I knew and could embrace which stage I was in, I knew I could get through it.

For instance, the first 3 months after losing my Son I laid in my bed starving, in the dark, no outside contact, and basically could have withered away very easily. Even though I love my husband and 3 other children so very much, I couldn’t bare the feeling of guilt for living when my son was no longer. How could I laugh when my son couldn’t? How could I enjoy a pretty day when my son couldn’t? How could I enjoy my favorite foods when my son couldn’t? All of these questions kept me from living for quite some time.

You may be thinking – How selfish? What about her other children? Her husband? Those were the hardest questions for my brain to want to comprehend because I felt entitled to be miserable. I buried my child.. but it was true, grief will make you selfish. It took finally coming out of my dark, covered windows room and see the pain in my children and husbands eyes to realize how I was making them feel. They not only lost a son and a brother they felt like they lost a wife and Mother as well. My walk between life and grief began at that moment!

How did I lose my precious son? My Sweet Kenny left this world to be at peace from the constant bullying he endured at his school and workplace. My son took his life December 21st, 2016.

To be continued: Stage 2#