Happy Heavenly Birthday KennyBug!

January fourteenth! Today twenty-two years ago our miracle baby came into this world. Straight from the arms of God to ours. We felt so blessed to call him ours. Kenneth Louis was and always will be our proof that miracles do happen. 

I woke up with that instant feeling of sadness in the pit of my stomach, eyes that started to rain tears before I could fully wake up and my heart hurt with extra pain with each thump. “My baby’s birthday” was my instant thought as I lifted my head from my pillow. A surge of emotions filled my body. Thoughts and memories made my head spin. My mind was wanting to remember every seventeen years of birthdays we had with Kenny, to replay the day he was born over and over again all while screaming inside from the reality that this is the fourth year I have not been able to hug my son on his special day. How can this be? 

It’s hard to explain how you can have so many emotions going on at once but yet feel like you’ve zoned out, empty, a living shell for all the pain to grow. At this moment I feel like screaming out so loud to God – GIVE ME MY SON BACK- if only for today! Please…. 

I’m angry.. he should be here! He deserves this day to be showered with gifts, a cake, hugs and blessings from those who love him so very much! He deserves so much. 

As I sit with my sorrow, in the silence, alone.. all I hear is the beautiful sounds of my wind chime that this blustery day is playing for me. How fitting that the sounds to comfort me come from something so simple. When I go to sit with Kenny graveside his wind chime always plays for me there as well, even on days with little to no wind. I choose to believe that it’s my baby saying “ I’m here Momma.. I’m here”! 

Although we are denied the joy of being with our son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend today, I imagine Kenny surrounded by loved ones and they are giving him a perfect heavenly birthday party! While a part of me feels comforted with that thought, the reality is I’m jealous beyond words. I will have my own pity party today because the angels get to be with my son and I don’t. It’s utterly unfair. It feels as if I am missing out on the most wonderful party.. also knowing one day I will receive my invite. Reunited with our son!! 

Until then I’ll be sending all my love to Kenny on his birthday through prayers and remembering all I can today. I’ll cry and smile and cry again while looking at pictures. I’ll miss him so terribly today like every day before and all those to come. 

Remember our Kennybug today and spread kindness today for his birthday gift! 

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY OUR SWEET KENNYBUG!! WE LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!