SPRING!

It’s so nice to look outside and see bright green grass, finally! This winter seemed so very long and I’ve struggled to make my way through it. The winter season is so hard for us to get through emotionally. My book release was in October, Kenny’s angelversary is December 21st, then Christmas, and Kenny’s Birthday is January 14th, along with other dates in the winter months that bring about so many emotions. It’s so hard. Among health issues I’ve dealt with some pretty heavy depression.. it’s been the worst I’ve lived with since losing our son 4 years 3mo ago. I can’t explain why this year has been the worst, It just is. My – give a damn- has been busted for months now and I just exist. It’s exhausting, painful and some days debilitating but I’m making my way through. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I’ve learned through 4 years living in grief that these dwells of depression come and go. It’s not a place to stay but to get through.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I finished the book I wrote in honor of Kenny with the help of a great friend in October 2020. I felt this urgent need to tell his story to help those who have or are currently being bullied, I want them to know they are not alone. I wanted the world to know our son for who he was, what he stood for and what he went through. I also wanted to help those who live with grief. I accomplished my goal and finished the book; Where The Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story and is available through Amazon. It was extremely difficult to write and some days I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to finish it. What kept me writing was the hope that Kenny’s story could save one child.. if only one child, then it would be worth the time and tears that went into my sons book. I have immense pride in telling the world about my son.. how wonderful he was, how irreplaceable he is.

Once the book released I felt this overwhelming decompression in my body like the biggest exhale.. relief, finality.. put the pen down, done feeling and just felt like I needed to let my mind rest. Wrangle back in all my thoughts, feelings, experiences and reorganize them in my being again to function. To write the book I had to be in constant connection with all my thoughts and emotions, the good the bad, the happy the sad and it was so much more draining than I imagined it was going to be. As hard as it was I am extremely glad that I accomplished this goal for Kenny.

Although it’s been a long hard winter I am here still. I am still Roaring against bullying and still telling my sons story to help others. I am looking forward to spring being in full swing.. flowers, butterflies and walks on the farm. The light at the end of the tunnel!