Something I’ve recently noticed is when I am able to laugh, the simple form of laughter, comes with tears. The saying ” I laughed until I cried” has become my normal. Seems strange, I mean it happens and have experienced it before but now it’s basically everytime. First few times I chalked it up to just being emotional and so did my husband!! But the other day at my husbands expense our son and I had so much laughter as he awoke a nap and his bed head was out of this world crazy.. I laughed so hard while crying, I mean tears running down my face. My son and husband were definitely giving me the look as if to ask ” what is wrong with you?” Haha! Since that moment of the most intense laughter I have experienced in such a long time I have wondered about the ” laughing till we cry” saying.

Besides the medical reasoning for such a response to something funny I think in some cases as my own its just a flood of the two emotions we’ve held in for far too long. Its difficult for me to laugh. To find things worthy. Laughing to me since losing my son has been far and in between. I haven’t been allowing myself the necessary cry that I need on a regular bases to let out my feelings.. trying to look ok all the time has taken it toll on me. At that moment of full on laughter my emotions just released at the same time.. making it a laugh to remember, haha! My point being is although we are consumed by grief, sadness and heartache by the loss of our children/loved ones we all still deserve the feeling of laughter.. to find humor and joy. It feels like a betrayal of some sorts but its really not. In that moment of the hysterical site of my husband… if Kenny were here with us he would of been laughing so loud with his wonderful laugh with his brother and I. I think that was why my emotions mixed. Joy and sadness at once. A moment, a simple moment, and I wanted our son here to share it with us. Our family have had our fair share of comedy and laughter filled our home. It was nice to witness again. Laughter can be missed and needed in our lives to thrive.

I’m just a grieving Mother who is learning daily while on the journey to live without my child. Tip 1. Laugh when you can.

Angela Suttner