The last few weeks I have been experiencing a new-diffrent kind of grief, pain, heartache. I am not sure why the shift in my journey. The desperation, need, urgency to see my child has been extreme. Maintaining any kind of functioning life has been a failure, depression has set in. Every year since Kenny’s passing from the peak of holiday season through January has been a struggle for me and I usually have set backs but this year has been different. So much has happened and changed for our family in the past 6 months, enough to break even the healthiest of minds but I’ve been able to put it behind me and still keep moving forward, even if it’s at a snail’s pace.
KennyBugs birthday hit me so hard this year. My son is 21 years old now. A milestone for all. One that he didnt get to experience. This birthday I had to make myself focus on all Kenny’s 17 birthdays, to remember him little. The way he sang ” Happy Party” instead of ” Happy Birthday”… we would all laugh, it was so cute. He would sing it with such dance and happiness in his eyes. It hurt not to beable to give him his Birthday hug like the 17 years I had. He didnt get to request his Birthday dinner, go out and celebrate with friends.. non of that. His future, all he would of done and missed these past 3 years, its all so painful and so unfair. When I sit and imagine what Kenny would be doing today… I have to stop myself, it hurts to much.
So I guess that is where this new grief is coming from. Up until this point I’ve been grieving the Kenny he was. Now I am grieving the Kenny he would become. Should have become.
I suspect I will have several points through my remaining life of these types of shift, change in my grief. Makes sense: The milestones a parent looks forward to for their child does not end with their death. Your wish for them to experience all those things doesn’t go away.
Love, Angie, KennyBugs Momma!