Any given day, you could see me break down, bawl, get angry and hear my pleas with God.. atleast once, but noone sees. I hide my tears, fears that the days ahead seem to hard to face, and contempt with the fact that my son is gone. I hide it all. Why? No one seems to know what to do, what to say, how to act with me.. I dont blame them, I dont know what I would do in their shoes. I have noticed that my loss is not one that anyone else wants to think about or imagine, again I don’t blame them.. before I was an angel mom, I didnt want to either. We carry our children in womb, in our arms and through life never ever imagining that one day your job as their mother would end. All the dreams and hope’s that you had for your child would stay just that.. everything that comes with mothering is forever.. forever now is my remaining life without my son. Forever is the way it feels, sounds, is. Too long. It’s so unnatural, unfair and cruel.
To not get that Goodbye, the last words- I love you with all my heart- screaming the words as if to make sure he could hear me.. over and over and over, pleaing please dont go… my last memory with my son was devastating. And I’m mad. Life as I knew it, the mother of 4 healthy, rambunctious, fun loving boys was over. I am and will always be a proud mother of 4 boys but now I have to say “but my Kenny passed away”. Crushing.
I send hugs to every parent who has lost a child. From the second our childs heart beat stops ours stay broken forever. We are never the same but somehow life has to go on. I am still learning how that works. Sadly I have found that there are many many of us and a club noone gets invited to or wants to be a part of but we are in The Angel child Mommy /Daddy club. The club where time means nothing and words help ease our exile from the world.
I write to help myself and to help others know that you are not alone.
Love Kenny’s Momma, Angela.