Daily outburts..

Any given day, you could see me break down, bawl, get angry and hear my pleas with God.. atleast once, but noone sees. I hide my tears, fears that the days ahead seem to hard to face, and contempt with the fact that my son is gone. I hide it all. Why? No one seems to know what to do, what to say, how to act with me.. I dont blame them, I dont know what I would do in their shoes. I have noticed that my loss is not one that anyone else wants to think about or imagine, again I don’t blame them.. before I was an angel mom, I didnt want to either. We carry our children in womb, in our arms and through life never ever imagining that one day your job as their mother would end. All the dreams and hope’s that you had for your child would stay just that.. everything that comes with mothering is forever.. forever now is my remaining life without my son. Forever is the way it feels, sounds, is. Too long. It’s so unnatural, unfair and cruel.

To not get that Goodbye, the last words- I love you with all my heart- screaming the words as if to make sure he could hear me.. over and over and over, pleaing please dont go… my last memory with my son was devastating. And I’m mad. Life as I knew it, the mother of 4 healthy, rambunctious, fun loving boys was over. I am and will always be a proud mother of 4 boys but now I have to say “but my Kenny passed away”. Crushing.

I send hugs to every parent who has lost a child. From the second our childs heart beat stops ours stay broken forever. We are never the same but somehow life has to go on. I am still learning how that works. Sadly I have found that there are many many of us and a club noone gets invited to or wants to be a part of but we are in The Angel child Mommy /Daddy club. The club where time means nothing and words help ease our exile from the world.

I write to help myself and to help others know that you are not alone.

Love Kenny’s Momma, Angela.

#WEROARFORKENNYBUG

#BEKIND

#ITSEASY

7 thoughts on “Daily outburts..

  1. Just by reading this, I can feel your anguish, Angela! God, I wish I could reach into Missouri and hug you right now! Having two sons of my own, I can’t even imagine if it were one of them. And I think I’ve told you before, looking at pictures of Kenny, he kind of reminds me of my oldest son, Aaron.
    My heart hurts with you. Know that the rest of the advocates are here for you and we love you. Bless you, honey! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As always Cherie.. your words are so kind and mean so much.
      My writing about my journey through the worst time of my life, which will be the rest of my life is so I can reach the hearts of others to gain awareness and show how Prevention can work by introducing Kenny to the world, showing them that he looks and acted like any other teenager and his life meant so much. He was and will always be loved so very much, our miracle child.. My hope is that getting to know Kenny and his mother ( me) and realizing we are your neighbor, nephew, friend, student from the town over.. we are an example of what can and did happen to a normal everyday happy family. Understanding that gives me hope that we can all work together to make sure our nightmare doesn’t become anyone else’s. It’s a tireless goal, but it is necessary.

      Thank you again so much for your support from your heart and in my writing.
      Truly, Angela, KennysBugs Momma!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I will never say I understand because I don’t. I see the pain through your words and it hurts my heart! It hurts my heart that Kenny, such a sweet loving young man, was bullied to the extent he was! I don’t know what to say or how to say what I want to say because I’m not good with words, but know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs Angie!

    Like

  3. Losing a child you loved so so deeply in such a painful way would evoke such a lot of powerful emotions. Our culture is not good with supporting the grieving though I just read of the lobr you have received. Its sych a painful experience…just sending you love and a hug…everything you are feeling is so natural.. ♥️

    Like

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