I am a mother who never ever thought I would be fighting to end this ugly epedemic called bullying that took our sweet, caring, wonderful son from us, Kenny Suttner. But here I am and will continue to try to make a difference in my sons honor.
So honored to have a nationally known expert publish an article in a national professional journal called Rethinking Behavior and included our son, Kenny Suttner and his story. Our son continues to help change policy, procedure, awareness and prevention surrounding mental health and bullying in our schools!
It’s so nice to look outside and see bright green grass, finally! This winter seemed so very long and I’ve struggled to make my way through it. The winter season is so hard for us to get through emotionally. My book release was in October, Kenny’s angelversary is December 21st, then Christmas, and Kenny’s Birthday is January 14th, along with other dates in the winter months that bring about so many emotions. It’s so hard. Among health issues I’ve dealt with some pretty heavy depression.. it’s been the worst I’ve lived with since losing our son 4 years 3mo ago. I can’t explain why this year has been the worst, It just is. My – give a damn- has been busted for months now and I just exist. It’s exhausting, painful and some days debilitating but I’m making my way through. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I’ve learned through 4 years living in grief that these dwells of depression come and go. It’s not a place to stay but to get through.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I finished the book I wrote in honor of Kenny with the help of a great friend in October 2020. I felt this urgent need to tell his story to help those who have or are currently being bullied, I want them to know they are not alone. I wanted the world to know our son for who he was, what he stood for and what he went through. I also wanted to help those who live with grief. I accomplished my goal and finished the book; Where The Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story and is available through Amazon. It was extremely difficult to write and some days I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to finish it. What kept me writing was the hope that Kenny’s story could save one child.. if only one child, then it would be worth the time and tears that went into my sons book. I have immense pride in telling the world about my son.. how wonderful he was, how irreplaceable he is.
Once the book released I felt this overwhelming decompression in my body like the biggest exhale.. relief, finality.. put the pen down, done feeling and just felt like I needed to let my mind rest. Wrangle back in all my thoughts, feelings, experiences and reorganize them in my being again to function. To write the book I had to be in constant connection with all my thoughts and emotions, the good the bad, the happy the sad and it was so much more draining than I imagined it was going to be. As hard as it was I am extremely glad that I accomplished this goal for Kenny.
Although it’s been a long hard winter I am here still. I am still Roaring against bullying and still telling my sons story to help others. I am looking forward to spring being in full swing.. flowers, butterflies and walks on the farm. The light at the end of the tunnel!
Relish in your precious memories.. hold on tight and let them bring you some joy! ❤️
January fourteenth! Today twenty-two years ago our miracle baby came into this world. Straight from the arms of God to ours. We felt so blessed to call him ours. Kenneth Louis was and always will be our proof that miracles do happen.
I woke up with that instant feeling of sadness in the pit of my stomach, eyes that started to rain tears before I could fully wake up and my heart hurt with extra pain with each thump. “My baby’s birthday” was my instant thought as I lifted my head from my pillow. A surge of emotions filled my body. Thoughts and memories made my head spin. My mind was wanting to remember every seventeen years of birthdays we had with Kenny, to replay the day he was born over and over again all while screaming inside from the reality that this is the fourth year I have not been able to hug my son on his special day. How can this be?
It’s hard to explain how you can have so many emotions going on at once but yet feel like you’ve zoned out, empty, a living shell for all the pain to grow. At this moment I feel like screaming out so loud to God – GIVE ME MY SON BACK- if only for today! Please….
I’m angry.. he should be here! He deserves this day to be showered with gifts, a cake, hugs and blessings from those who love him so very much! He deserves so much.
As I sit with my sorrow, in the silence, alone.. all I hear is the beautiful sounds of my wind chime that this blustery day is playing for me. How fitting that the sounds to comfort me come from something so simple. When I go to sit with Kenny graveside his wind chime always plays for me there as well, even on days with little to no wind. I choose to believe that it’s my baby saying “ I’m here Momma.. I’m here”!
Although we are denied the joy of being with our son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend today, I imagine Kenny surrounded by loved ones and they are giving him a perfect heavenly birthday party! While a part of me feels comforted with that thought, the reality is I’m jealous beyond words. I will have my own pity party today because the angels get to be with my son and I don’t. It’s utterly unfair. It feels as if I am missing out on the most wonderful party.. also knowing one day I will receive my invite. Reunited with our son!!
Until then I’ll be sending all my love to Kenny on his birthday through prayers and remembering all I can today. I’ll cry and smile and cry again while looking at pictures. I’ll miss him so terribly today like every day before and all those to come.
Remember our Kennybug today and spread kindness today for his birthday gift!
HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY OUR SWEET KENNYBUG!! WE LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!
My book detailing our sons story is available paper back and now Kindle on Amazon! Thank you for all your continued support and care! Our prayers and hopes are to help one child/person who has or is enduring bullying. Your not alone!
I wrote this one day not long ago when I was trying to describe to someone how life is day to day grieving our son and I couldn’t find the words. This is as close as I can get to explaining my days.
Like walking into a brick wall while I walk from the kitchen to my bedroom when suddenly a flash of an image of Kenny pops in my head, my son is laying on the snowy ground. Lifeless. Instantly I hear myself scream in my head. So very loud. Over and over. I cover my ears, close my eyes and shake my head in desperation to pray this moment in time away from my mind. God help me! My baby is gone! Any bit of stable my mind had felt before that split second disappears and the panic takes over. It stops you in your tracks. Grabs control and once again you sit in a daze. The worst day of your life smacks you in the face. You sink internally into a pit of sadness and there you’ll stay. For awhile. Maybe a day. Maybe a week. It will feel like the moment you knew your child was gone all over again. And again. And again. Life being stuck on replay. The war that takes place in the mind, the battle to control the flashes of memories is exhausting. What I wouldn’t do to only remember the good.
Then with faith, prayer and with the strength that you pull from anywhere you can, happiness will slowly begin to enter your heart again. Happy memories will play in your mind. The love you have for your family will pull you out of that despair. You can sit once again and think of your child and smile just picturing their smile, even if your thoughts are accompanied with tears at least your feeling anything but pure sadness.
The battle you just fought within your mind won’t be seen. The exhaustion your left with won’t be understood. But there it’ll be waiting for you. Rest your mind. You will feel a bit renewed, fix yourself up, make a big dinner for your family, get out more. The good days! Then Bam! Brick wall again.
It’s now the 21st of December and the fourth year that my son has been in heaven. Today is Kenny’s Angelversary. God help me.. how have I survived another year with this pain? One thousand, four hundred and sixty one days since I’ve seen my son. Pure agony.
I’ve been asked many times how I get through the days. Holidays. Special occasions. There is no real answer. Each year has been different. In many ways harder, in some minor ways we have learned to find some joy. Today is not one of those days. The dread starts to build as the days get closer to this date, usually starts with the first sign of fall. I then know the 21st of December is approaching. This the hour that our sons heart stopped beating is torture.. I’m panicked, grief stricken, in a daze all at the same time. Each emotion overpowering as I wish so hard with all my might to turn back time. To have that window of time to stop our son from leaving this world. What I wouldn’t do for that wish. Our family whole again. Getting through this day is hard enough then we have to get through Christmas! Our family’s favorite holiday has turned into the saddest time of the year. Through prayer and faith we remain. Together our family does the best we can.
Your not alone if your struggling through the Christmas season missing your child. The sadness is so heavy. I pray we all are able to feel even the smallest spark of the Christmas spirit, I wish that for us all!
I am in such -Aww- at the reactions, responses and praise Kenny’s book has received! It makes me very proud and so happy that so many have been touched by Kenny and his story! Readers now feel like they know my son, consider him a friend and love and care for him as if they knew him.. and I love that! Change is happening all over the world because of of my son! I hope he feels how deeply proud of him I am, how much I’ve tried to help those in need in his honor!
Be thankful for the small things in life that bring you some happiness!
Today being Halloween and no trick or treating and dressing up.. our younger boys are too old now. I spent a lot of time looking through pictures today and remembering all the past Halloween’s with our kids! All the different costumes, funny faces, years of the repeated “hunter” costume! It was a great stroll down memory lane! I miss those days so much! Toting our boys across our small friendly town .. up and down the hills, keeping up with the running ones, and the sugar craze that followed, great times! It goes by so fast..
Memories are our treasures!! Hold on as long as you can!
I miss our Kenny so badly every single day but as to be expected holidays are so much harder.
Today I did an interview with a wonderful young reporter from a local TV station in Mid Missouri, it went well! I have done several interviews over the past few years.. no matter how many times you sit in front of the camera and speak about someone you love and miss so painfully it’s difficult. Today, however, I felt a bit more at ease. Instead of discussing only what happened to our son, the legal proceedings, the interview focused on who our son was. My main purpose for writing my son’s story was so that people would know he was a normal, happy, loving, and kind kiddo! I wanted the world to see him and not just the words about his death! Of course in telling Kenny’s story I touch on all subjects.. bullying, I dive into my grief in hopes to helping someone, anyone who is where I am, missing their child or loved one. I offer helpful tips for those affected by bullying and more than anything I hope my sons story finds its way to the hands of those who need to know they are not alone.
Where The trail Ends, The Kenny Suttner Story will be available through Amazon on October 30th. I hope you enjoy the book!
Helping others is very therapeutic. The smallest acts of kindness will be rewarded with a smile and words of kindness to warm an aching heart!