I am one who believes in signs. Much like I believe that God gives us signs, I believe our loved ones send signs for us as well. For me they are rare, but each one I cherish and shall never forget. I know they are sent with love and hold meaning from our Kenny.

Grief is so complex, so I’ve learned. Before losing our son I had experienced what I considered “normal” grief. The death of grandparents, family, friends, etc. and I grieved them, missed them and think of them often, but I was able to grieve and move on. As they say “ life goes on.”

Losing your child is incomparable to any thing else in the entire world. I don’t say that to minimize any other loss, but it’s true. Parents are not supposed to bury their child. It’s unnatural and unfair. No parent should have to feel this much pain.

My deep grief immediately had me searching, urning for signs from Kenny. I desperately needed to know he was ok and I wanted to know he could hear me. My cries, my prayers, my wishes!! I became frustrated.. it seemed like everyone else was getting them but me. I remember one night crying so hard, my eyes were so swollen and blurry, the room was dark and I was just talking to god. “Please God let me know our Kennybug is ok!” I hung my head and sobbed. When I raised my head, I dried my face and tried to focus my eyes, it was then that I saw the outline of our son. Kenny was standing at the foot of our bed. He looked concerned for a second, but then he smiled his wonderful smile as if to say to me with just a look “ Momma, I’m here. I see you so sad, but I want you to be ok.” I didn’t say a word, it was silent. After a few minutes I squeezed my eyes tight to refocus my vision again and Kenny wasn’t there when I opened them again. I remember feeling a calmness come over me. My tears dried up, my vision was clear and the panic I had been feeling had subsided. Believe it or not that night I was able to lay down and go to sleep without tears soaking my pillow.

Our need to know our child is ok does not end.

Signs for me come in many forms.. butterflies, birds, fox, turtles.. Kenny had such a big heart and would move turtles out of the road to safety. Sometimes I just get a feeling and I know Kenny is there.. watching over his family.

Our grief can sometimes keep us from noticing these signs until we are ready. My wish for all those grieving is that you will receive the sign you’ve been waiting and wishing for.

Sending my care, prayers and understanding to all those grieving. 🥰🙏🫂🦋

Sincerely, Angela Kennybugs Momma!

On this day 25 years ago our second born son, Kenneth Louis, was born. Kenny was born at 28 weeks ( gestation) due to the chronic placental abruption that occurred. After 2 long months in the hospital trying everything to keep him from being born so early.. today 25 years ago was the day he had to be born to give him a chance at this life. Our little 2lb 9oz miracle fought so hard. He went through so much medically, as parents we went through so much watching everything that he had to go through, but Kenny proved doctors wrong and he thrived. He did so much that we were told he would never do, like walk, talk and see. 25 years ago God showed us that miracles are real.
Then we lost our son to suicide 7 years ago due to relentless bullying. Cruelty from his peers at school and his after school job was something Kenny dealt with since he was in elementary school. The way he walked, talked.. the way he looked, even his ears, were all things about himself that he couldn’t change and the exact things that he was bullied for. It still astonishes me that kids are so mean and I’ll never understand. Why?
Kenny was the sweetest, most loving, caring, very smart, irreplaceable human being, our son. We miss him painfully every single day. We miss his smile, his wonderful laughter, his beautiful blue eyes… we miss everything about who Kenny was and who he would be today as a 25 year old young man.
Kenny is forever 17 🕊️💔🥺
Please teach kindness. Bullying is abuse, cruel and deadly!

With love, hugs and understanding..

Angela, KennysBugs momma!

Last night I had a dream that I think could be a memory.. I’ve had some strange dreams, but this one felt like a real memory.

In this dream I was a little girl, two-three years old and I was at my (maternal) grandparents home with my mom and I was screaming my head off. My little blond, curly haired self was screaming in pain while the adults around me were yelling at each other.. I felt so scared and I could feel so much pain. My grandpa was adamantly yelling to my mom and grandma that they were wrong, they were making it worse and it would never heal that way, my mom and grandma were saying “ that’s what the doctor told us” and he kept saying “ it won’t heal like that!” All the while I’m screaming.

~ My grandpa passed away from a heart attack when I was almost 8 years old, I was young, but I remember him greatly and he was my most favorite person. He was looking out for his granddaughter with much resentment to seeing me in that pain. In this dream I felt his love again, it had been so long!

In my dream I remember looking at my hand as my mom and grandma were trying to carefully remove the layers upon layers on gauze, wrap and tape, with my hand in and out of a bowl of water, I presume to help with removing the bandages. That’s why I was screaming. Each time the wrap was being pulled, my skin was coming off with it. My grandpa couldn’t take it. He repeated while pacing around me “ do not wrap it back up, it will not heal that way!” He was upset and angry that I was going through this. There was a moment when they must have finally gotten all the wrapping off my hand and I looked down and saw my hand and I let out a horrible scream. It terrified me. It was so raw and bleeding and swollen.

And then I woke up!

When I woke up I instantly sat up and looked at my hand and thought “ is this a real memory?” When I was two years old my grandma had her ironing board at the foot of the bed where she was ironing, I was always told that I was jumping on the bed, my grandma turned around, I lost my balance and fell forward landing with my hands flat on the ironing board which jolted the iron to fall forward on top of my right toddler hand. My grandma said I didn’t scream… it must have been shock, she turned back around and saw the iron on my hand and instinctively ripped it off, taking with it the skin of most of my hand. 1st, 2nd degree burn is what they said I had. My mom told me it took two years to heal, so until I was about four years old. Endless wrapping and unwrapping, infection, doctors… it took along time. As I’ve aged the scar no longer covers my entire hand, but a lot of it. It does cause me issues in the winter months still and some arthritis has set in. I’ve never been self conscious about my hand because it’s always been there. In school some kids thought it was cool, others called me “ skeleton hand” but it didn’t bother me, because frankly, it’s not pretty. My boys each at their own individual ages asked me about the scar. They each thought it was horrible that it had happened to me, but as boys also thought it was a cool scar! Definitely in the shape of an iron. Oh and yes, I’ve went through life with wrinkled clothes… 🤣 and failed Home-Ec class in high school because I absolutely refused to iron. I guess it did impact my life more than I realized..

I am fourty-five years old and have never had any memories of that day or the healing years. I remember being older and having to take extra care of it in the winter months. If it got to dry my hand would crack and open and bleed. It is painful and an issue I’ve had all my life. I have an ingrained fear of irons. I don’t want to see one, ever. The times I have been unfortunate and seen one I have an instant startle, stop, back away reaction as if it were a rattle snake getting ready to strike at me. It’s a permanent instinct to fear them. And I can understand why. I’ve always been so thankful that I didn’t have memories of that day because I didn’t want to imagine how much pain that would have caused, but it seems my minds-eye is insisting I remember.. and I don’t like it.

I share this because it’s so much like what we go through after the trauma of losing our child. We want to remember all the good things, memories, occasions.. not the awful circumstances of our child’s death, but our minds keep taking us back. Is there a reason? Do we need to suffer and face these things to heal? Is the wall in which our mind uses to hide all the bad memories just simply not strong enough to hold it all as we age? I wonder?

As I sit here and ponder while repeatedly starring at my hand now.. I wish all of you a great week! We must sometimes take the bad with the good on our way forward! In a pretty startling dream, I also got to remember my grandpa’s love and protection! ~ Bad with the good~!

Sending my care, prayers and understanding to all those just doing our best in our grief! 🥰🦋

Sincerely, Angela, KennyBugs Momma! 🦋

One word.. SPRING! I can sense it in the air, soon it’ll be here to stay and I can’t wait! Green grass, full trees and longer days.. and glorious warm sunlight!! I’m ready to get my hands in the dirt planting flowers and we are planting a huge vegetable garden this year, so excited! It’s been a few years since I’ve nurtured a garden due to some health issues, but this year I’m pushing through and making it happen. With the ways of the world right now, it’s a must. If ya know.. ya know! Like so many I don’t do well during the winter months, for many reasons, they are just hard months for me. Kenny’s Angelversary being in December along with the holidays and then within a few weeks is Kenny’s birthday.. it’s a lot. Each year for six years now, I muddle through somehow. I count the days till spring like a child counts the days to the last day of school.. if I can just make it to Spring, I’ll be ok. My light at the end of a very rough season. Now it’s right around the corner and I am feeling a bit of life creep back into me. Before the death of my son I can’t say that I’ve ever experienced seasonal depression.. in my grief I crave the outdoors, barefoot walking in the dirt, sitting in the woods.. that’s when my soul is quietest and my mind can rest.

Here’s to the end of a very long winter and the beginning of new growth and beauty to brighter our days!!

With love, hugs and understanding!

Sincerely, Angela, KennyBugs momma! 🦋

While I’m sitting here waiting for the sun to come up, my mind is in a shambles. I can not fathom how I have survived six years without our son.

I can recall many times over the years telling my boys ~ Please be careful~ “ I would die if something happened to one of you,” because that’s what every parent believes.. that your heart will just stop and you would no longer exist. Well.. here I am! Still fighting through each day. Still entrenched in the most horrible of pains and heartache known to humans and even though most days I feel like I am just a by-product of my grief, I do try to make my mark on this world by telling my sons story to help save families from enduring this pain. All in honor of Kenny. It also helps me to connect with other grieving parents.. it’s a “ club “ no one want to be in, but it’s helpful to know others understand your pain. God help us.. as Angel parents we endure the most unnatural loss, pain, and learn to live in survival mode. It’s so inexplicably hard.

Today, I’ll struggle like all the 2,190 days before. I will cry for the miracle baby, beautiful boy and the wonderful teenager our son was and I’ll replay the years, remembering all I can.. pushing away all the traumatic memories that surround Kenny’s death on this day six years ago. I will fight to remember his smile, his laughter, his hugs.. his wonderful, irreplaceable hugs and I’ll beg to feel the warmth of knowing he is still with me, in his Angel way. I pray for strength and the ability to get through this day with some grace.

Kenny was so kind and so good. So loved and loving. Loyal and protective. Innocent and pure. He was the best of all of us and we will never ever get over his absence, we feel it daily.

Remember our son today!

Kenneth “ Kenny” Louis Suttner

Please be kind! Stop bullying! Treat others with the dignity that everyone of us deserves. And remember it’s ok to not be ok!

For those who are struggling missing their children during the holiday season, your not alone!

Sending care, prayers, hugs and understanding!

Sincerely, Angela, KennyBugs momma! 🦋

This month and October ( Bullying Awareness Month) are difficult but very important months for us and so many.. it’s a time where people tend to pay a bit more attention to what we have to say. The way society looks at mental health is very sad. It’s a very dismissive topic because of the stigma that has surrounded the very serious issue. When people are worried about being shamed, judged, or ignored if they speak up.. then they simply won’t speak out! We must treat those who suffer from depression, anxiety’s, mental illness, etc. with the dignity and respect they deserve. People need to know they are not alone. So many people suffer in silence!

Myself as an example. I will admit I have learned it’s not easy to reach out or want to talk about depression. With my grief, I experience depression and the depths have ranged over the last almost six years since our son passed away due to suicide. It’s very difficult but I do talk to a select few about what I am feeling, going through at the time and that helps me know I’m not alone.. Whether it’s because it’s a parent who knows exactly how I feel, or my great friend, or a family member, It helps to know there’s always someone you can be honest with when they ask you how you are.. and it’s ok to not be ok! I share my journey with others through writing just in case there is someone out there who is going through something similar and I can help them feel less alone.. you are not! 🥰

Please never let the fear of being a burden if you talk about what your going through keep you silent.. that fear is lieing to you! Your loved ones and friends want you here and will do whatever they have to in order to help you. That I promise. There is nothing in this world that my husband and I wouldn’t have done to still have our son. Our family would have rallied around him with so much love and support if given the chance. Our family is forever devastated. We struggle daily. We love and miss Kenny so much, the heartache is overwhelming! It hurts so much every time I hear of another parent losing their child to suicide.. I wish with all my heart for no other parents to feel this pain.

We all can help and make a change by spreading as much awareness and prevention as possible. Let people know they are not alone. Speak up so they can speak out!! 🦋🦋

Please Be Kind! It’s Easy!! Where the Trail Ends: The Kenny Suttner Story https://a.co/d/cbAR3Yo

Love, hugs and understanding!

Angela Suttner, KennyBugs Momma!! 🦋❤️

Our youngest son is off to his first day as a Junior in High School! Bitter~Sweet watching him grow up! He is so tall, handsome, protective, generous, extremely kind and polite.. I watch him sometimes and just sit back and think “ Kenny, your little brother is so much like you!” And it makes me smile so big!

It’s a beautiful sunny morning, as I watched our youngest drive off to school I looked up and prayed, “ Dear God, Keep all our children safe and happy this school year. Amen”!

Sending hugs, care and understanding to all parents this morning who are a bit emotional, no matter the age of your child.. first days are always a emotional!

Sincerely, Angela Suttner, KennyBugs Momma! 🥰🦋

Sometimes in our daily lives all it takes is something very simple, insignificant to anyone else, to send me into a panic filled, heart throbbing, manic kind of meltdown. It generally passes rather quickly but it hits like a hammer.

All it took today was for a knock at the door. It was a very kind older gentleman out collecting census information. When I answered the door he asked “ Hello Ma’am, Is Kenny home?” And my mind instantly went to my son Kenny, of course!!! For a few seconds I stood frozen until my mind had a – ding ding- moment and I realized he was looking for my husbands Uncle who our Kenny was named after, who lives up the road from us. But for those few seconds, I was speechless. I quickly gathered myself and I kindly directed him to the correct address. I then went inside and immediately broke down.. to hear your child’s name come out of the mouth of a stranger does something to your heart… even though he was not referring to our Kenny, my mind started to think “ this is what it would be like if Kenny was still here and someone came to the door for him” and my mind couldn’t take it. He should be here.. this shouldn’t have hit me so hard, but it did!

It’s impossible for anyone to comprehend what life is like for parents who have lost a child.. little moments like these are small but huge for us. 😞

With Love, Hugs and Understanding, Angela, KennyBugs momma 🥰🦋

A couple things I needed to pop in and get off my mind. I’ve read and heard so much about “ fist” and “ thick skin” being the answers to bullying. For one.. it shocks me that people would rather kids brawling than learning and being taught to “ just be kind”! And two… those fist may make your child feel better in the moment but I promise you it won’t fix the embarrassment and long lasting emotional distress that the constant name calling and belittling has caused. The sad truth is bullying affects young minds just the same, if not worse, as verbal abuse from a spouse for an adult, but yet it’s treated and looked at so different. It’s expected of children to just shrug it off as “ kids will be kids” but the parents who have children come home from school crying, miserable and develop depression, self confidence issues and more, we are the ones who have to stand alone in most cases to beg someone to make it stop. Why is it so hard to spot a bully, take that child aside and 1. Discuss what is causing the bullying behavior. 2. Explain what the bullying does to the target. 3. Discuss school policy against bullying and harassment. 4. Lastly, discuss the consequences of bullying. Instead so many instances get overlooked for reasons that are not ethical. Apparently too many bully reports in a school looks bad in reports… 🤷‍♀️

A students safety, which includes mental health, is the first and most important responsibility of the school while our children are in their care. Please make sure the school your child attends has a stern bullying and harassment policy.. have you checked your school? Since Kenny’s passing our school has made tremendous strides to improve their efforts to stop bullying in its tracks and that brings me some solace.

With the new school year quickly approaching it’s been weighing heavy on my mind. Please have the “ bullying “ talk frequently with your child. Make it a very open conversation.

Thank you to all for your continued support and care!

Sending love, hugs and understanding, Angela, KennyBugs Momma! 🥰

I’ve had some good days lately.. days where I want to be outside, watching my hummingbirds, listening to the birds.. just taking in all the beautiful nature around me. When I get these days I try to take it in as much as I can. That may sound silly, but for me, it’s a necessity. I enjoy time to myself more than anything, that may seem odd, but I do. Why? When I’m by myself, outside just listening.. my mind can wonder and go back in time. I can picture all my boys young, playing, laughing, running around having so much fun and they are all there together. I can sit and look at photos, smile, laugh and cry all at once and not have to explain or hide my tears. These are times that I need.

So here’s some beauty from my good days!!

With all the sadness and heartache I live with daily missing Kenny.. I do have “ good” days! That doesn’t mean I don’t cry and feel his loss, it just means I can enjoy the simple joys in life without feeling guilt. For many that won’t make sense but it’s just a feeling I have. How can I be happy? How can I enjoy a pretty day? When my son can’t?! It’s very hard to navigate through all the emotions felt each day, but I do my best! And that has to be enough!

Ok one more beautiful picture!

It’s ok to feel some twinge of happiness..

With Love, hugs and understanding.. Angela, KennyBugs Momma! 🦋🥰🦋🥰