For some reason yesterday evening I suddenly felt the change of seasons. It’s late August, still a 90 degree day, beautiful blue sky… But if you sit and watch in the woods the leaves are gently falling. Changing colors. The fawns are losing their spots, the blooms of flowers are on their last debut of the year. The once bright green corn fields are now turning golden. It’s here, Autumn!

It’s magnificent how a change in seasons can manifest in people as a shift in moods but it does. Change can be such a great thing! Cooler temperature, fall rainy days to make the dust disappear… And a new view full of exuberance and color. Fall colors are amazing. We resort to things of comfort.. a warm blanket, soft pajama pants, a favorite mug for hot chocolate. Bonfires and hoodies are a must! It can be a great time of year!

I am going to try to embrace the season and changes that are coming. The clocks will change, the days become shorter, the nights longer. I am looking forward to it. Do not fear change..

Teaching myself to overcome my anxiety from the thought of this time of year. The time, season and upcoming date on which my son left this world.

Focus on the positive!

With love, hugs and understanding!

Angela, Kennybugs Momma!

Learning to be ok with my grief! It is mine, noone else can take it from me, carry it for me, guide me, teach me or see me through it. You may hold my hand, lend a shoulder and offer words of kindness.. but at the end of the day it is just me and my grief. It comes from the depths of my love for my son. A love that can not be replicated or explained. We love our children individually. Not to define or compare them to another. Each deserving their own place in our hearts. There they will always stay. Our Blessings.

Our hearts are made to love our children without ending, eternally growing. Death does not change that. The only thing that changes is that I have nowhere to place my love for my son, to bestow it upon him with care and graditude that he is mine. It’s kept locked away in my heart, tight and forever.. expelled through prayer. Words whispered in the wind, spoken in my mind, sent to him with hope that he may hear me. The part of my heart that belongs to my angel at times feels overflowing. That’s what grief is. All of our love and noway to give it to our child. A hug, a long talk, a sweet text just to say – Hi, I love you-! We are denied the normal rights of parenting. The day to day showering our child with love ceased to exist. So in our hearts our love for them remains. Building with the days that come and pass. Coming out through tears and sadness, always taunted by the inexplicable loss and always missing them.

Grief is not a state of mind but a heart full of love, a love that never deminishes. Therefore grief will always be a part of me. And I’m ok with that!

With love, hugs and understanding!

Angela, KennyBugs Momma!

It’s a beautiful sunshine filled August morning. All the flowers are opened to take in all the warmth and light and it’s so pretty. The grass damp with the morning dew. Birds singing, butterfly’s everywhere.. what a blessing.

I have been self motivating lately. I no longer rely on things or people for my moods, or outlook on the day. It’s up to me. I can either let the despicable nature of others keep me down or I can choose to see the best this world has to offer and know that it is enough. I choose the later. I have wonderful people in my life, surrounding me with love and happiness, I’m lucky. Very lucky!

I urge those of you who struggle as I do to search for those who bring you light, fresh air, laughter, and good vibes. Stay away from the negative.. the ones who insist on bringing up things that you have healed from, no longer give them any power over your smile. We have enough things in our daily life to weigh us down, do not allow those hate filled people to add more. You will soon find as the days pass that they no longer have any power over you… your healing will escalate, your peace will slowly return and your mind will fill with happy memories again.

It’s pretty hard to understand how people will line up to be the first to kick you while your down. Its cruel and vile, but it’s true.. there they’ll be if you give them the chance. For quite sometime now I have refused to just lay there and give anyone the chance to hurt me anymore. And I am here to say it was long overdue, I took my power back and put my shield back up. I am no one’s emotional punching bag. I am not a place, person or thing for anyone to throw their guilt at, expell their anger at, to blame, point fingers just to make themselves feel better. No longer.

I had wasted so much energy begging God to make people leave me be while I grieve our son. Why won’t they just leave me and my family be?? Until I realized it was because I hadn’t completely shut that door, disabled the part of my heart and mind that allowed them to hurt me. Once I did that, shut that door, it was like seeing the sun in a whole new light. Bigger and brighter.

Instead of a world cloaked with darkness and unsavory people.. I see a world full of hope, love and understanding. A world I can grieve our son in while still feeling warmth, not cold bitterness. It truly makes a difference. After all isn’t that all we ask for and need. To grieve our child in peace. I know there will always be those who try to rain untruths, judgment and evil down on me to darken my days.. but I will see through the rain until the rainbow appears. Our son loved rainbows. It’s a choice we must make clear to ourselves and the universe. We choose peace.

I wish you all a sunshine filled day, if it rains, wait patiently to see that rainbow to remind you that the rain will go away and the sun always returns.

With Love, Hugs and Understanding!

Angela, Kennybugs Momma!

When we least expect it days pop up where we are forced to defend.. protect our son’s memory and our family from some of the most viscous of people. I call them evil. You may also call them cruel, violent, narsasistic people. All of which are true. I am constantly reminded that bully’s come in many forms, all ages and use any means to inflict their venom into your life. The satisfaction they get out of their actions is sick.

I understand not liking someone, having distain for someone.. but to attack someone repeatedly because – you don’t like them- is not normal. Healthy adults will simply move on and not associate with the unliked person/person’s. A sick minded person seeks ways to bully, destroy, harass, manipulate and sets his/her target on you. It is a sickness, a need to feel superior and it does become worrisome, at what lengths will these types of perpetrators go? What will it take to have them leave the victim/victims alone? Will you need the authorities to intervene, legal action, expose them for who they are? There may come a time when drastic measures are needed to protect yourself and family. Do not hesitate if you feel threatened.

My faith in humanity sustains me, and my belief that good will always prevail keeps me moving forward. I may be blindsided and taken back by the means and lengths some will go to bring us more heartache, like a snake that strikes without warning. But we pray, hope and constantly search for peace and to be left alone while we try to heal and live each day to our best ability.

We are very thankful, grateful and appreciative to have the army of Kenny Warriors behind us. We know we have a lot of people who believe as we do.. that kindness will conquer the cruel. We stay strong, united and unwaivered in our fight against bullying.

With love, hugs and understanding. Take back your power in knowing noone has the right to attack, abuse, or threaten your well-being. Ever.

Love Angela, Kennybugs Momma!

It is true in the blink of an eye your whole world can change. Be shattered like beautiful stained glass that once mirrored your life.

We thought we had time, so much more time. Many more memories to make, pictures to take. Special occassions that couldn’t be erased, accomplishments we would watch and moments to be cherished and embraced. It doesn’t seem fair, no not at all.. to see my son rise so tall, strong and kind .. just to have him fall. To have cruelty take away so much. No more stumbles, no more getting back up. The end to all his tomorrow’s, no goodbye, just days full of sorrow.

We begin and begin again, to try to understand, more questions is all we have in the end.

Say – I love you- as much as you can because your world is fragile and all those you love irreplaceable. If your mad, stay mad but don’t hate, if your lost stick out your hand for someone to take. Help is a heartbeat away, please speak for those whose voice won’t say… They need some one to be kind to them today.

Tomorrow is not promised so do not take today for granted.

Love, hugs and understanding!

Angela, Kennybugs momma!

As those of you who have followed my pages know I’ve dedicated much of my time telling my son’s story to help others. Months ago I decided to take that to the next level and tell Kenny’s whole story. Our story. To honor our son. To help others who are enduring bullying, families living in grief and people who just need to know they are not alone. This book is for my son and for you! I hope it will find its way into your hands and your hearts. Thank you for the continued support and the care you’ve bestowed upon me and my family throughout my journey, learning to live without our son.

I am excited about this part of my journey and hope I am able to touch the hearts of many.

With love hugs and understanding!

Angela, KennyBugs momma!

I have been admittingly struggling the last couple days. Motivation.. none, energy.. very little, care in the world…barely, And these feelings are all to familiar. I’ve been here many times since my son’s death. Depression is sneaking up on me. Again. My emotions have been all over the place. Anger most prevelant lately with agitation. To no fault of my own or anyone’s around me, it’s just a phase I visit frequently.

Times when I feel I struggle the most? The 21st of each month means it’s been another month since I’ve seen my son. Heard his laugh. Witnessed his smile. And it hurts so much. It brings out all the questions that I have and then the anger that I will never truly know the answers. And that is so hard for me to except.

I have come to learn throughout the past three years seven months that as long as I can recognize the stage of grief I’m in.. I can get myself out. And thus I will let myself dwell until I feel it’s passed. Usually a week or so.. And then I’ll be out in the sun again, staring at my flowers and wishing upon stars. Until then prayers for peace and understanding are always my comfort.

With love, hugs and understanding. Find something to give you some peace.

Angela, Kennybugs Momma!

I can’t count how many times I’ve been told ” can’t wait till your old Ang again” or ” We want our old Ang back”. Each time hurts more than the last. That’s what family and friends have always called me, Ang. I get where they are coming from I just wish for once they could get where I’m coming from. That person I was doesn’t exist anymore and never will.

This is the new me.. take me or leave me but stop making me feel bad for not being who you think I should be. I don’t relate to normal everyday B.S. once you’ve lost a child, gossip and idle talk just frustrates me. I wanna scream ” if that’s your biggest problem, consider yourself lucky” – stop bitching. But I don’t. I keep it locked away because I know deep down they can and never will get me again. At no fault of their own. It is what it is. I live with grief and do my best.

Here in mid Missouri today the storms are brewing all around us. Much like life. Our weather comes in predictable patterns and they are needed to sustain growth, maturity for flowers, crops.. they offer some relief from the heat that’s been overpowering in the summer days. Rainy days are needed. Rain washes away the dust that has sat iddle until disturbed. Allows growth and new blooms, it brings about color and new air. But sometimes they come in a form of pop up storms ..they yield little to no warning. They blow in with intent to destroy with gusting winds and down pours, drowning out any progress.

I look at the connection between mother nature and our physical beings. Alike the storms that are predictable, forcasted, known.. we have time to prepare. Take warning. Take steps to remain safe. For the pop up storms we are blindsided, given little to no warning and they can wreck havoc. For months now I’ve been stuck in the continued cycle of pop up storms. Just when I think I have taken the last hit another one comes along and rocks my foundation that I work so hard to build. A foundation where I can stand and begin to heal. A foundation that doesn’t judge my grief and allows me the space I need to thrive, my own way. The walls I’ve built are for protection from the storms. They are weak, not strong enough to handle a major storm. I grow weary with each board I put up, that it can just as easily be knocked down again. My progress is in jeopardy by things I can not control, like the weather.

I’ve been hurt in my life. A lot of lies. I’ve lost a lot in my life, my son. Family and friends. I’ve prevailed through most of what life has thrown at me up until I had to bury my son. Since then it’s been a losing game. A game others play with my emotions for sport, fun. I ask myself often what did I do to deserve so much pain? Is this a punishment for being such a horrible child? What? Why? Are constant questions that fill my mind.

I have been obsessed with storms since a tornado ripped through our rural area in 2006. It was so close to destroying everything we had worked so hard for. We saw the aftermath of such power. We heard its mass amount of energy as it passed by us like the sound of a train. It missed us. I became engulfed in wanting to understand how it hit our neighbors on both sides of us but not us. We felt lucky. Fortunate. Spared.

I equated that to life up until we lost our son we felt like we had been fortunate, our little family thrived, we worked hard for what we had and took pride in the simple things. We felt spared from any disasters, debree from storms had little to no damage for us.. we just kept pressing on in life. And then we were hit with the ultimate disaster. The death of our son. It felt like a storm had blew in like a lion and took our son. Non of it made sense to me. How could we not have seen that this storm was building. It was coming right at us and we didn’t see or hear the warning sirens. He was just gone. Like a raging war between life and death, the storm won. The devestaion that was left behind, pieces to be picked up and put together, the anguish that took hold of our happy little family tore us to shreds, it all felt like being hit by a F5 tornado. Shock, dazed, I couldn’t see past the choas, the rubble of emotions that filled my insides. I was destroyed.

I find myself still digging through the rubble of emotions, memories, life.. ever since that day our son was taken from us, three years seven months ago. It has not gotten easier to withstand the next storm, ones we can prepare for or pop ups create such anxiety and fear of more loss. More heartache. After all how many times can a family be hit head on and come out ok?

The latest pop up storm in my life was the day after my last birthday, five months ago. The results from an DNA Ancestry test came in. I had taken the test out of curiosity of what made me who I was. My make up, back ground. Not growing up with my biological father I always felt like I lacked the nessesary information to feel like I knew my whole self. I found that when your entire world gets rocked, your faith gains you strength and knowing is power to grow. I was in desperate need for growth.

Nervously I opened the results and instantly sat in shock. Bewildered by the name that popped up as my father. A man whose name I had never heard. Not the man I was told was my father all of my life. Fourty two years. The instant betrayal slapped me in the face. I felt like a whirlwind came and had me spinning in circles in my head trying to make sense out of what I was reading. The lies, misguidance.. I in fact knew very little about who I was.

What a storm? What a set back in picking up the rubble of my life!! I’ve had to learn to start over alot since losing my son.. yet again I found myself at ground zero. But I remain. No wind, rain, broken branches of my family tree will keep me from pushing on for my children. My husband. And the constant need to honor our late son. I just keep picking up the pieces and one day hope to see the full picture again. I vow to not let another storm catch me off guard. I intently watch the sky, look for signs, allow my internal compass to keep me aligned within my ability to foresee. To stay two steps ahead and keep my distance from anything that could rock my foundation again. My existance depends on it.

With Love, hugs and understanding, you are not alone. We all struggle and we all need affirmation.

Angela, Kennybugs Momma!