As I sit and look back through my day, which I try to do every evening. Sometimes I can’t, it’s so hard but I know it helps when I do.
Today was a ” good” day! That meaning I didnt spend most of my day crying or hiding from life. Yes, sometimes I hide. I hide from real. The real truth that my son is gone. Somewhere I can not get to. To me that’s torture. I hide from all the pain that comes with knowing I will not see him today, tomorrow, or ever again until I get to where he is. That is the torture I wake up to every single day.
Today was no different than any other day. I can not explain why today was a day I felt ok. Ok enough to clean, take a shower, go to town with my husband and son and take our dog for a ride, I dont know why some days are more bearable than others. I wish I knew. But days like today are so refreshing. Like a breathe of air was aloud in my lungs that had been denied, a splash of color in a dark existance… and it is amazing and weird at the same time.
How can I feel happiness?! That is a constant war within myself that I can not win. Guilt.
May be it’s not meant to be a win or lose. Right or wrong. Grieving is so personal. Having 3 living children, I feel like I failed as a parent more so now than at any time in raising our four young children at such a young age myself. When your children are young you can protect them, shelter and bubble them from as much harm as possible. As they get older you lose a little here, a little there, to where your gripping onto anything you can to keep your child young and safe. I lost. And it hurts every day.
I look up at the clear sky at night, the big dipper so clearly sitting right on top of me and I know somewhere my son’s named star exist and I pray upon it. I pray he helps my heart understand all the why’s that plague me.. my heart, our lives. I trust one day our son will allow us that. I know he feels my love.. he has too.. I spend most of my energy to make sure of it, through prayer.
My job as his momma never ended and never will. I am his, he is mine to always protect and shield. He is my Angel.
With love, hugs and understanding!
Angie, Kennybugs momma!