Remembering is hard.. so very hard. Some days I can’t.. can’t.. can’t..! Other days I have to to keep myself in real time and process. Those days I have are 50/50, it hurts like hell but I never want to forget our Kenny! It simply comes down to my strength that day. Every day is a struggle. I wake up not knowing what the day will bring me… Will I want to stay in bed all day, will I have the need to go visit my sons grave or will I just stay in denial all day???? I never know. And that is not easy trying to get by and seeming normal on the outside for my living children.
The night Kenny left us is always stuck in my mind… It will not give me rest. It’s a living nightmare, a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on anyone. No parent should have to go through what we did, no siblings, grandparents, aunt’s, uncle’s, cousins, friends or first responders, noone. But we all did and we all have to live through that night in different ways and on our own, everyone processes grief different. Some things are blurry for me, other things are clear as hearing a bell.. I wish with all my might and all my prayers, to forget, I don’t want that memory, I want to remember Kenny the way he was just hours before, smiling and telling me goodnight. Unfortunately the brain doesn’t work that way. Torture goes hand and hand with grief.
I wonder some days if I will ever understand why? I know what our Kenny went through.. but at the time he stopped coming to me, why? I have guilt because I have come to learn that everytime I made it known to people what was happening to him.. it got worse for him. He went into survival mode. Only he had double what most would consider torture due to bullying because he had it at his school and work. Heartbreaking as a Mom I couldn’t make it stop and that he just decided the only way to make it stop was ending it himself. Knowing I, his Dad, any family members would of done anything for him.. he saw no hope and kept it from us.
Continued from stage 2# Remembering!
Today I went to visit my sons grave, pull weeds and to just sit in peace with him. It’s still very hard for me, as you can imagine.. I don’t expect it to ever get easier to sit on a stone bench looking down at where my sons body lies.
The pain and anger hit me all at once today, usually, it’s one or the other, but not today. I want to hold my child and as insane as is may sound I feel like even while advocating my heart out about bullying awareness and prevention, I can’t protect my son anymore. I can’t hug him or offer him wise words. when it rains, it’s cold or a storm blows through.. I can’t keep him dry, warm or safe. I hate this! I hate this so much! I want my son back.
Days like today rock my faith. I can’t understand why God didn’t help him through his troubles, where was his gaurdian angel that night, why? Why? Why? Why? And I get angry. Angry at everyone who had a hand in my son feeling like life in this world wasn’t meant for him.
I then sat down on the ground where the grass no longer exist due to lack of rain, and bawled.. tears just flowed and wouldn’t stop.. with my head down in defeat, I couldn’t stop. I finally looked up and read the prayer on Kenny’s beautiful headstone and suddenly felt peace, for God was with him and with a hand on his shoulder guided him home. To peace and love! No more sadness, no more pain, no more feeling like he wasn’t good enough for people to be kind to him.. bliss is now what our son has, and my faith once again restored. With that being said doesn’t mean all my anger went away, my pain still exist but I know my baby is at peace.
Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.
To be continued: Stage 3